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ABOUT "the month of ramadan is that in which the qur'an was revealed, a guidance to mankind and clear proofs of the guidance and the distinction; therefore whoever of you is present in the month shall fast therein, and whoever is sick or upon a journey shall fast a like number of other days; Allah desires ease for you, and does not desire for you difficulty, and desires that you should complete the number and that you should exalt the greatness of Allah for having guided you and that you may give thanks." [al-baqarah 2:185]
LINKS
read last year's ramadan diaries here. |
Monday, November 07, 2005
another year of the ramadan diaries is coming to an end, and i'm almost happy. the days after ramadan have been really hard, and i've been trying to be good, but of course it's getting harder. but it's absolutely up to me to continue everything. i had a nice eid on friday night, and i think mostly because i got to share it with people. no matter how much i laughed when my ma said i was having a terrible eid because i wasn't with my family, it's pretty true. but then when i finally shared it, it was nice. i think i have mostly stuti and aliyya to thank for that, because good friends are a blessing, alhamdulillah.when i made my ramadan goals this year, i made them with the expectation that i would carry them into the rest of the year, not just during the one month. and in the last few days, i've been good at some of them, and some of them, i haven't. the prayer isn't longer, but at least it's more heartfelt, which i hope counts for something. i've read the qur'an only once, and insha'allah i have to promise myself that i'm going to read at least a verse tonight. i have to. but alhamdulillah, the rememberance of allah is getting better. i just can't forget, i honestly can't. i think that i have naats to help me out, and ramadan was good practice. insha'allah, dude. as for learning to love the prophet, i feel like i'm in the same place as i was before, but this is something i think that i'm going to struggle with for a while, i think that when it happens, it'll be like electricity, not a gradual thing. i have to keep on trying. ani called me from islamabad last night, where they had just had a huge aftershock. she says that things are slowly getting back to normal, and that schools reopened today, but that there is still a long way to go. it's going to start snowing in muzaffarabad soon. and i felt guilty that i thought prayer couldn't really change anything, but i talked to nasser about this, and he said that heartfelt prayer mixed with whatever i could do was most likely the way to go, and that it's all about niyyah, and i think that this was the most sensible advice i've gotten so far. i wish i could thank every single person for what they've given me this ramadan, like the bravery i feel when i hear about devie fasting even though she doesn't have to, or about how feel so tiny when i think about tim's first eid prayers on the beach in hawaii. there was a tornado in the midwest yesterday, and there's looting going on in mexico and pakistan, and the katrina victims are still waiting, even though the news has shifted its attention from them now. i think that i'm very scared for this year, but i've got to take everything that happens in stride and try to learn as much as i can from whatever happens. life is going to go back to normal, but i hope that this last month changed what normal means for me, and i can only pray from the depths of my heart that allah finds it in his plans to let me live to see another ramadan. sanah [
4:03 PM ] |
it's so ridiculous, i can already sense the changes--it's getting harder to wake up for fajr, the sense of community is a little disconnected again, and even though i feel physically revived, i feel spiritually ehhh. but then i have been trying, because i can't not. yesterday i did isha'a before i went to the eid dinner, and instead of wasting time afterwards, i pulled out the qur'an and read for a little, like only 15 minutes, but it felt so good, because i was doing this for an amazing greater cause. and when i finished, i pressed it to my forehead, and i felt peaceful, and good, and i shivered, and this encouraged me. there might be an ounce of goodness in me, and all i need now is keep up what i learned in ramadan.
on wednesday night when i found out about eid, aliyya called me to say eid mubarak, and i was choked up, and she told me not to cry, because i saw my potential as a person this month, and that i was lucky that i felt an emotional connection to the month, and that in itself is lucky. and an hour later when i still hadn't recovered, my sister called me, and she is sixteen years old and amazing, and she said that it was up to me to keep it up for the rest of the year, and that of course allah will help me how could allah not. i still don't think that anyone understood really why i was so depressed, and that night when people were coming into the room to say eid mubarak, everytime i'd have to tell myself to calm down, and answer the door with big red puffy eyes. i felt really terrible, because they were all so happy and excited.
i'm just praying that allah well let me see another ramadan, and that i don't ruin it, and that allah doesn't let me veer off of sirat al-mustaqeem. also i have decided to let the diaries go a few days over, so that i can bring closure to this ramadan, and cheer myself up.
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having the last ten days of ramadan during midterm season is like the worst thing ever, it's making everything ten times worse: the fasting makes the studying harder, the studying makes ramadan harder, and i feel that everything is going downhill. and i wanted to fully max out my last few days of ramadan. last night was the 29th, and i lamely did nothing special, not even qur'an, because i was ready to collapse.
it's not fair. i'm too upset to really express it, and i wish my ramadan had been better, and i can't be optimistic and say wow, the last day or two of ramadan is going to be amazing, because it won't, i have a paper due and a midterm tomorrow. and i'm too tired to get all emo right now, but i'm absolutely upset. absolutely.
and i got hecka teary again, but i think i then reached this kind of catharsis, or was dehydrated, and was fine for the rest of the night. after jess went to sleep, i du'aaed, and i was up pretty late doing this, so i'm on two sleep hours right now and should head back to bed. but like, i feel a little bit bad for not going to the MCA, but whatever, i hate praying in groups, i can't even pray properly with one other person around. anyway in short: best 27th experience ever or most awkward? allahu alim.
one of our family friends lost 53 family members, i wish i could lie about that number, but i'm not making it up, 53 people from his family are gone. but subhan'allah, he's taking it gracefully. my eleven year old cousin eiva has lost eleven pounds since the earthquake first struck, because she's too worried to eat, the aftershocks in islamabad are in the 5.+ range, and she keeps on watching the news and seeng kids her age going through too much. her mom has disconnected the news channels, won't let her read the newspapers, and is trying to feed her everything she likes. and i mean subhan'allah, every time i see eiva i think that she is one of the purest kids i have ever seen, and this proves it, maybe allah has some amazing things planned for her.
i feel so useless just sitting here. i wish i could DO something for everyone, for muzaffarabad, palestine, delhi, louisiana, anywhere. i'm just praying, and i don't really know how much good that will do, i'm sorry that i'm being this negative, but i guess it's ramadan and prayers get accepted. my ma said that i had nur today on my face alhamdulillah, and i'm not saying this to sound self-righteous, or to brag, or to sound like a prick, but i'm mentioning it so that after ramadan ends and i look back at the diaries, i remember that i have the ability to be good, and that i can't drop everything and be lame again.
i read surah dukhan seven times and then i was going to read surah fath seven times too, but i got totally discouraged when i glanced at the preface to the copy of the qur'an and it had the hadith about being moved to tears or at least pretending to be every time you read the qur'an. that totally wasn't me tonight because i was so happy that i was doing something good, that i couldn't stop smiling, and i was all happy and content, and i couldn't pretend to be moved in the way that the hadith said, i was just too happy. whatever, i hope god was like "oh that crazy kid, fine i'll accept what she's doing." i was with my qur'an teacher from when i was a kid, he'd be like "dude no god's not going to accept what you just recited" but i know that allah is AR-REHMAN and AR-RAHIM, and too loving to be like that.
there's a totally beautiful verse from surah fath:
i felt really nice, but i mean, almost every night of ramadan has been breathtakingly amazing, i don't even know what to say.
i did well last night too i think, alhamdulillah, like i picked up the qur'an and started reading it and the ramadan miracle is that i didn't want to stop, and i felt so happy with myself, and i wanted to keep on reading it forever, even though it was a surah that i wasn't familiar with. and i'm really sad that after ramadan ends, i'll never do anything like that again, and it's probably true. i need to promise myself that if there's one thing i do after ramadan, it's that i have to read the qur'an regularly.
because the feeling you get after prayer and qur'an and naats and a good cry with allah is so beautiful, and as lame as this sounds, for me it feels like how i feel after i exercise or something, like my heart feels so strong and every vessel is cleared out and i can feel my heartbeat. and wallahi that's how i feel right now, like actually physically, i've been feeling that way since isha'a last night, i had like a good spiritual work out.
IF ALLAH GIVES ME THIS MONTH, IT IS UNFAIR TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME SO QUICKLY.
i don't know if i can really explain what that was doing to me, on one hand the earthquake death toll keeps on rising, and on the other hand, here were dozens of people being completely disrespectful and terrible, and i don't know, i felt totally hopeless. AUGH. but then i had hecka good friends there, like i don't know what i'd do without aarti or stuti or jess. aarti and stuti are the two people i can turn to at any point in time and share whatever thoughts i have about spirituality and being a good person, and jess is the most supportive roommate in the world. so alhamdulillah, things are good at that end, i just wish people were more respectful.
however, i won't complain. alhamdulillah, tonight's prayer was good, i almost couldn't breathe correctly because i was really feeling allah's blessings, i'm sorry if i sound haughty or something, but it's my ramadan diary and i'm writing what i feel, not trying to sound self-righteous at all, because i know that later this year when i need help, i'll read this and remember that oh right, i do have the capability of being a decent person, alhamdulillah. but anyway i am very very lucky that i have the opportunity to be able to put on stuff like prayer 101. maybe through some lame excuse like this, allah will bless me, and things will be wonderful. i'm so happy now that i'm fasting again, but at the same time, i get seriously sad at the smallest things, and this is slightly worrying me, everything is just so bittersweet i guess.
tonight i also tried my best to be domestic and make something for tomorrow morning's suhoor, and i ended up cutting myself in several places using the can opener, and even scalding myself with hot water while doing my dishes. i'm like the most untalented person ever, and my hands are pretty busted up, and i put lotion on them, and this lotion has glitter apparently, so my hands are red and cut but sparkly. i could totally make some kind of analogy about my hands to my general state during ramadan, but i don't think that i've reached that level of lame yet.
for the millionth time ever, i'm thankful for friends and family, because they could tell that i was pissed off today--not very ramadan-ish of me, but it wasn't on purpose, i kept quiet like i was supposed to--and for this reason kept a distance without me having to tell them. why why why do i go to school here, for the millionth time.
anyway whatever i'm listening to music because it's my night in, i know this is breaking my inherent ramadan plans, but some songs are so beautiful and hecka deep, and i don't know, they totally fit in with my ramadan philosophy. that sounds so terrible, music + islam but i can't help it, i'm imperfect so whatever. but anyway, the most amazing example of this is of course jesus walks, and omg the first time i heard the part where kanye says "i wanna talk to god but i'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long" made me cry, terrible i know.
but then 50 cent is so good at it too, and even though most people won't give him credit, i like his music especially god gave me style, because he just sounds so vulnerable and strugglingly optimistic, and i like when he says,
and then maybe using mos def as an example is unfair because he's straight up muslim, but then i love it when he says
in a song i can't remember, it's totally looking out for everyone, whereas fitty's song is basically just about him. the way he says "ameen" reminds me a little of dhikr--ugh i'm so scandalous. however maybe my most favorite example of a ramadan-ish song is noah's ark by cocorosie, i like it so much that if you ask i'll send it to you, and they are insane, but the song is so beautiful that sometimes i say it quietly when i'm especially happy, because it says it all so succinctly.
i was talking to my ma about this, and she said that it's part of my struggle to go through crap like this during the holiest month of the year, and she said that when she was in school they never assigned hardcore work or exams or whatever during ramadan, because it was a time for kids to cooncentrate on more important, spiritual things. that sounds hecka nice to me, because not to sound haughty or superficial or anything, but this ramadan in my free time i actually am quran'ing or naat'ing it up, i am actually worshipping, and i'd rather do that than like redox reactions. CALL ME CRAZY.
but definitely, being an american muslim is hard, even though i fully support the seperation of church and state (it's evident where i live, at least), and if i was in pakistan like my ma, then i wouldn't have midterms during ramadan and i'd wear chadr all the time. but then i don't think i would ever have gotten the spiritual strength or depth there that i've been blessed with growing up here, and this is most likely true for a lot of people. in muslim countries, being muslim comes naturally ugh, but here, it's a struggle, and maybe that's all you really need to have allah help you out especially when times get tough. whatever i'm fasting again so things aren't tough at all.
i was thinking about that at the talk last friday (the spiritual dimensions of fasting), when it was said that fasting back in the day included no talking in addition to the already implemented rules of fasting. and honestly, maybe that's what spirituality really is. being so calm and collected, and so reflective, that everything makes a little sense--i say masha'allah and subhan'allah and alhamdulillah all the time, but when i'm quiet, i can actually sense what those words mean, and sense allah's presence in what i see. i'm totally not deep and reflective by nature, so this is a struggle, but i HAVE to try. the prophet (pbuh) said that he was at his peak when he was fasting, and during the first few days i fasted, i definitely felt this, like subhan'allah, i was everything i have dreamt of ever being my life, but because i'm supposed to be at my peak, i'm a little bit afraid about right now because i'm pretty terrible, and i can't believe that ramadan is going to end very very soon.
maybe i should base all of my faith on the belief that i may be slightly endearing to allah (even though i don't feel like it right now), and that maybe allah will help me get back on track, because "every action of the progeny of adam is given manifold reward, each good deed receiving then times its like, up to seven hundred times. allah the most high said, 'except for fasting, for it is for me and i will give recompense for it.'" [al-bukhari]. but if fasting is the only selfless thing i can do, then why does it make me feel as if it's the best thing i have ever done with myself?
the talk tonight after iftar was "the spiritual dimensions of fasting" and i honestly loved it, but i feel like i won't do it justice if i talk about it right now, i'll just write it up tomorrow when i'm more awake. however, i'll say this much, that i felt really stupid being the only non-hijabi there, i mean honestly discounting what anyone else might think of me, i felt of myself that i was totally unworthy and that i didn't belong there and that i was stupid to think that i could even begin to call myself religious. i know that i'A i'm going to hijab it up someday, but i don't want to do it for a little while and then go back, if i do it, i want to do it straight up. but honestly, this feeling of worthlessness was totally intense tonight, which is why i don't like religion in groups, omg sorry if this is like sacrilegious or something, but i don't. i like to pray alone, i like to talk to allah alone, and i don't have to worry about externalities, like it's just the feeling in my heart, and allah. that's all allah looks at, is my internal state of affairs and nothing else. and that's the most beautiful feeling ever.
but tonight i just felt so lost and sad that i ended up having this hours-long conversation with nabill about religion, and about how we love islam and how it's interesting that different people practice it in different ways. STILL IT'S NOT FAIR, tonight made me feel that all the progress i had been making this ramadan, like alhamdulillah all that amazing spirituality, has been shot down and now i'm back to square one, because no matter how hard i try, i'll never be good enough. and i feel so so sad, and i don't know what to do.
amid this newfound level of spirituality this ramadan, i'm learning about how important friendship and support really are. i read this hadith for the first time today: "fear allah and help each other for the sake of allah. have mercy upon each other. visit each other and remember our matter and keep it alive." i'm trying my best to be there through good times and bad for my friends, because they do the same for me. alhamdulillah, allah has blessed me, allah honestly has.
but i'm worried about anissa, and now leti. i would honestly rip my heart out and hand it to them if it could make their troubles any less, but for now all i can do is stop crying and pray for them and have faith.
this is ramadan and i'm supposed to speak good or keep silent, because the prophet said that "those who believe, let them speak good or keep silent," and i really have to work on the speaking good part, because it's not only being nice, it's being intelligent not annoying or garrulous i think. and i don't know, i'm sick of myself as a person, honestly, because i'm really horrible and annoying and surprisingly dumb, i'm ridiculously ignorant, and most people i know probably don't respect me.
i was worried mostly about my aunt, who lives in F-11, because F-10 is where the margalla towers collapsed. these amazingly beautiful ten story towers are gone, seven stories are underground and only three stories of rubble are left. people are calling from their cellphones pleading for help because they're trapped inside, but the infrastructure is so terrible that there's not much that anyone's doing, no one wants to take any responsibility. and this is just islamabad. 11,000+ people have died in muzaffarabad.
this last year has been frightening. the tsunami, katrina, and now this earthquake. i feel like i didn't have time to recover from thinking about one before the other one started, and i don't know, maybe it's a blessing from allah that i can cry about afflictions like this, because they're there to teach everyone who survives the lesson that time is running out so quickly. since around the tsunami hit, i've been constantly thinking about death, and maybe a little unhealthily, but i'm so scared. i know that if i die today or tomorrow, i have a very little chance of going to heaven, because i'm such a terrible person.
i wasn't really sure what to do when i heard about the earthquake, because it hit at home literally (for me, islamabad is like fresno, almost), and i mean even though i'm a terrible person, i read surah al-zalzala, the earthquake, and it made me feel better surprisingly. it's a hadith from al-bukhari that the day of judgement won't happen until earthquakes become very frequent. the biggest earthquake will be the last one, and thenhowever, i only think i feel nice because the surah is so beautiful, even though it's talking about something so frightening. on a positive note, my ma's parents told me their earthquake story: my grandfather has parkinsons, so my uncle had to help him leave the house, subhan'Allah they made it, even though you couldn't walk unless you held on to the walls, and my grandfather is so weak. however, they accidently left behind my grandmother, and then ten seconds later when they were outside, she comes running out gasping "la illaha ilallah!" over and over again, so that in case she dies, she goes down with the perfect last words. this says a lot about her, and hopefully something about me. except for things like her wedding china and the foundation on the third floor, everything is fine. i can't even begin to thank allah for how lucky we all are.
LET ME EXPLAIN. i didn't wake up for suhoor by my alarm clock, instead, my ma called and said you have almost five minutes to eat, go, so i jumped out of bed and started eating whatever, but then realized that she meant fresno time, not palo alto time, and i stopped and choked and whatever. i spent like fifteen minutes debating whether or not i should fast, because i was probably over like two or three minutes fajr time, and i've never felt that bad in my life. however, in the end i decided to go for it, because i mean, allah is understanding, and knows that i didn't do it on purpose. ar-rahman, ar-raheem.
but like today i was "fasting"--understandably it was a crazy day, because i have two problem sets and a paper due tomorrow, as well as work and class today, but omg i slept through the first two classes and didn't care. i almost missed prayer several times, i kept on wanting to listen to music, and i totally laughed at inappropriate jokes etc etc, not to mention the fact that i was MEAN to several people. also, stanford was fasting for darfur, so i was constanly surrounded by people who said a) fasting is pointless and bad for you (people who didn't fast), b) oh my god, i'm sooooo hungry (people who did), or c) people who didn't say anything, but looked really smug about the fact that they were fasting, and this totally put me on this edge that made me ready to bite heads off. i feel TERRIBLE, it was like the worst fast ever.
anyway i decided that i HATE sharing ramadan, i mean it's a miracle of allah that allah's able to form an individual relationship with every human being on earth, subhanallah, but i didn't like hundreds people chilling and breaking fast, people who wouldn't be able to understand the intense joy and ecstasy that ramadan brings with it. not fasting, ramadan. and the speaker was a little strange, he said a lot of things that i couldn't figure out if he was being anti-islamic or not--i'm not one of those people who goes around being offended everytime islam is mentioned, but this guy was pretty weird. i hated it. i hated ramadan to be like that. i think the only thing that doesn't make me want to kill myself is the fact that tomorrow is a new day, and insha'allah that means a chance to start over.
but while i haven't done anything majorly wrong, i haven't done anything majorly right either. i think what suffered the most during this last year was my prayer, sadly enough. i still prayed five times a day, but always half-heartedly. the majority of the time, i skipped sunnahs and nafls completely. and the du'aa at the end was this two second rambling then i'd up and leave. a lot of times, i'd set my alarm purposely too close to sunrise, so that fajr was always hit-or-miss. at one point, i even forgot how to recite surah ikhlas, which is probably the biggest signal of pathetic possible. however, by declaring it in front of everyone and feeling totally embarrassed about it, i feel that i can start working on it, i'm so lucky that islam is big on repentance.
no one can blame me for feeling like one of the worst people ever, because what i've been doing is totally slimy. i felt really restless and bad all year, but i never did anything about it, because i am LAME. which is why it nearly floored me yesterday when all of a sudden i felt that allah still loved me enough to give me the temporary gift of dhikr--ramadan miracle, fer realz. there is some hope for me, i'A, and that's pretty much the best ramadan gift ever.
i need to think today about what i want to accomplish this month, i've been really scared about setting goals or whatever, but right now i feel good enough to think about it without feeling totally guilty.
however, i need to be SLAPPED, because i totally underestimated the power of ramadan. as soon as i was back in my room during maghrib, something happened to me, and i swear i started doing dhikr, and i didn't realize it at first, and when i did, i couldn't stop, and i started crying again, and that's when i knew that it was ramadan.
i know that i sound really lame and emo, which i never am usually i'm really chill and whatever, but the sudden burst of emotion was this totally jolting reminder that allah still loves me, and that i'm not a failure, and that there's still some hope for me. that's pretty deep and pretty huge, alhamdulillah. i'm glad to be back at the diaries.
i feel like this year it's being thrown into my face, maybe because so far i haven't had time to sit and think about what exactly i've been doing the past year, or things have just been too hectic, because ever since i moved in a little over a week ago i haven't really taken my time on anything, i've been rushing homework and meetings and even prayer because i need to squeeze it all into the few hours i have. and when my head starts to wrap around the idea that ok ok ok, tuesday or wednesday, i forget that i can't fast for the first few days anyway. maybe i'm worried that when ramadan starts, i won't have the time to sit back and enjoy it, because i'll be too busy trying to survive my commitments. but maybe maybe maybe i'm looking at the worst outcome possible, maybe things won't be as bad as i think they'll be.
so far though i'm hecka not gutsy enough to fix up my priorities and figure out what's what, because right now all i can think of is oh no i have to get ready to go to chem even though i've been really excited to start up the diaries again. i think that tonight when we discuss what's going on with ramadan at the town hall, things may calm down and start to make sense; a lot of this ramadan apprehension could be because i'm afraid about logistics this year and i haven't really thought about the spiritual yet. i don't want ramadan to be lame i want it to be amazing because it's the only time of the year that i feel like i'm not a disgrace.
anyway so there were all these provocations that built up that were probably signs that i should pray tonight, and the biggest one was when someone was reading this thing to me describing laylatul-bara'ah and it mentioned "women of fallen character" as people who especially needed to ask for forgiveness and i asked "what about men of fallen character" and she said "what now you're going to fight god?" and this upset me a lot, because it was pretty mean. later we clarified that she thought i was being snide on purpose even though i honestly asked the question, but the thought still stuck with me.
i think it's because it made me feel tiny and gross, and it upset me very very much that anyone could even think that i'm the kind of a person who would "fight god." that phrase is horrible. it shook me up, and i think that that mixed with the apprehension i have towards ramadan and the magic that is surah ar-rehman wrenched out this heartfelt genuine prayer from me, very ramadan-esque. and because i'm fasting tomorrow, i totally feel like i'm doing ramadan lite.
tonight's the night when allah is in the level of the skies that is closest to the earth, and i think that this is why it was easy to pray like i pray during ramadan. it's a night of forgiveness. it's a night to warm me up for ramadan, because even though it's my favorite month of the year, these days when i think about it i don't get the normal bubbly feathery feeling i always get, instead i'm getting this feeling like i swallowed a slab of concrete. fear? apprehension?