eid-ul-adhasurprise! it's eid-ul-adha,
and when i pulled out surah rehman to read to make me feel pretty, for a
fleeting moment i got the same feeling i used to get all the time during
ramadan. so i came back here to savor the feeling longer, because every day
"he manifests himself in new glory." subhan'allah man. and also, a lot of
you are now mean to me because i stopped writing, however, it feels good to
have "loyal readers" and stuff like that. i feel like a
proto-celebrity.
although i'm a little disappointed that half of the
people are celebrating on thursday and the other half today, i think that
the message of this time is positive--we're all celebrating the fact that a
few kids are lucky enough to be in mecca doing hajj, and we as a community
are behind them--and are incredibly jealous, in my case at least. at eid
prayer this morning the imam also talked about how this is a holiday
centered around the family, and i got pretty sad, because this is the first
eid in my life that i've spent away from my family, and what the heck is
this.
anyway, although i've been trying and hoping that i'm endearing
myself to allah, i'm not really sure how that's going. i really need to be
straightened out. i'm like a really teased up hairdo, and i need the comb of
deeper religion to sort me out. i think i'm at that point where i go through
all the motions, but i need to start going beyond the surface and really
feel it, you know?
so eid mubarak, and pray it up.
the
end.
even though ramadan is over, i'm still alive, which is a
good sign. and even though i don't have that constant high buzzing inside of
me anymore, i'm not swimming in the depths of despair..yet.
what made
this ramadan exceptionally sweet was that i shared it with other people,
muslim or not. devie fasted the entire month (it was her first ramadan!),
and it felt really awesome to encourage her. tom was my fast-a-thon recruit,
and i felt like a mom when he made it through the day. having iftar every
night with all the muslim kids was hardcore, because never in my life have i
had the experience of the ummah, but it's hecka awesome, i'm finally
understanding the importance of community that islam stresses so highly.
even writing in this guy is sharing ramadan with people.
i'm going to
end this whole deal with a very wise saying from timmy--
i love
shundies: hey, well i hope you
cheer up even if ramadan is over, i mean shawwal is obviously not as cool
but give it a chance.
asalaam-u-alaikum.
the
self-evaluation.
so i remember those 20 questions from before ramadan that
i wanted to answer and not feel ashamed about myself while doing. and i'm
glad to say that i gave a positive answer to most of them. however, i pretty
much blew tarawih, and when i think of the old lady in mem court that i
never helped, i get really sad.
i think my efforts in trying to fast
on level two status were not amazingly successful, but my effort was there
and i am a much better faster now than i have ever been before. i started
fasting the whole month when i was 10 or 11, so when i say that i'm better
now it's a pretty big deal, cos i've got a lot of ramadans under my
belt.
as for my teeny four goals, haha.
-
the no music didn't work out too well, seeing as i went
to see pj harvey within like the first ten days and didn't avoid places
where there was very loud, very obvious music. but while fasting, i was
pretty good about it...this music deal was usually after iftar.
-
this goal was awesome.ni did not sleep through most of
my fasting, in fact, i usually didn't go to sleep after i woke up for
seheri, and i have never been so productive in my life. this waking up at
the crack of dawn thing is something i am going to keep with me for a
while, i'A. and even though it made my hunger pretty hardcore, i liked it,
because i was awake and experienced the full timeframe of fasting.
-
haven't found a heartwarming charity. didn't bother
looking.
-
didn't bother looking for sunnah either. WHAT IS WRONG
WITH ME.
so ramadan is supposed to be a lot about self-control,
but i don't find it hard to control myself away from eating, because i mean,
you're just NOT supposed to do that. but the control part in terms of being
a good person was tough, and is tough. you have to do it year round, but
ramadan is when allah himself feels bad for you and helps you out, cos i
mean, you're not a bad kid.
november thirteen/ramadan thirty
it's over, and right now i am feeling very lonely. i feel
calm i guess, not really frenzied, but i feel like i'm in mourning, because
the blessings are gone, and we're back to just regular old life, a continual
battle between your goodness and temptation, and where you're mostly all
alone. i feel like i can never be happy again. but this always
happens.
every year, as time goes on i get really really horrible and
i feel like i have a dirty soul, but i always know that ramadan is going to
come and it's going to help sort me out and make me whole again. it's like
my buffer zone. but when it's gone i feel very helpless. my two most
heartfelt prayers are at the night i find out that ramadan is the next day,
and the night that marks its ends. and i'm pathetic really, because i pray
that it could be ramadan forever.
but i know it's not like i can't be
good the entire year, but of course it's harder, and during ramadan i can
feel allah's love thick in the air. i can breathe it, and it assures me that
i'm not a horrible person and that i can always redeem myself. but for the
rest of year i feel like i'm gasping for blessings and direction. and i
probably am.
i'm calm though. i swear. i'm just really really really
scared. what i need to do is have faith in allah's love and work hard to
keep his love for me in place. i'm imagining myself as this pathetic and
endearing creation who makes kind of an effort and who sincerely learns from
her mistakes. i'm hoping that that's how allah sees me and thinks i'm kind
of funny (especially when i talk to him) and doesn't mind giving me second
chances. i just want him to love me. that's all i want, is for him to love
me. because it makes my soul shake to think of how much i love him, and how
scared i am that i'm letting him down.
november twelve/ramadan twenty-nine: chaand
raat.
after i wrote that last entry, i prayed maghrib, and it
was really horrible, because i couldn't get a hold of myself. even after i
thought i had calmed down, i went upstairs and ma saw my puffy eyes and
asked me what was wrong, and i told her and i started bawling
again.
i'm just really afraid that i'm going to become lonely because
i'm going to forget allah and he'll forget me. the oneness i feel with my
religion and with allah is going to go away. i'm going to be so lost once
ramadan is over. this past month i have been so happy with myself, most of
the year i just feel restless and unhappy in my soul because i have no
spiritual credibility. however, i have one more day to make things better
for myself.
i also felt pretty bad feeling so depressed, because
everyone around me was excited about eid, but i was just bummed out. i think
i bummed out most people who talked to me too. i KNOW that eid is awesome,
because i mean i went to chaand raat tonight and it was pretty fun, but i
like ramadan better. i don't WANT to celebrate its end. i want it to go on
forever. that's like my biggest wish ever.
november twelve/ramadan twenty-nine
today was probably the last day of ramadan. they're going
to make the official declaration soon. all there is to do now is to
wait.
i prayed on the 27th. it was hard. stanford taiko was
practicing downstairs, and they finally left, and i was able to pray all the
nafl. and even though i got a little teary, i didn't have the proper spirit.
i felt really dry and useless--like, what am i worth that i'm asking and
expecting allah to listen to me. i felt horrible. and last night on the 29th
i didn't pray anything extra at all. i didn't feel anything, so i
didn't even bother. i regret this.
and i've been feeling like "ahhhh, i have to fast." like
it's a chore and not something i feel amazing doing. this has only been the
past two days. i think it's a culmination of the fact that i'm upset ramadan
is ending, the twenty-seventh was disappointing, and i feel like i didn't
take advantage of any of my opportunities to do good. i'm cranky, because i
dont' want to see it go.
ok. i'm crying now, so i'm going to stop writing because
i can't see the screen very well
november nine/ramadan twenty six:
laylat-ul-qadr
i'm really excited about tonight. i'm also scared. i'm
going to pray to allah for every little thing inside of my heart, but i
don't really know what cred i have, seeing as how i'm not really the best
person in the world. but i'm going to try anyway. i'm shaking and clammy,
because this is intense stuff, i'm going to be pouring my heart out to allah
and hopefully he'll take pity on me.
surah al-qadr says that
"laylat-ul-qadr is better than a thousand months." yes a thousand months of
praying devotedly and praying devotedly tonight ultimately amount to the
same thawab. subhan'allah, he gives us a LOT of chances--i don't plan on
blowing this one.
one of my favorite ahadith says that allah has
divided mercy into a hundred parts. one part of it is present in the
world--it's the love a mother has for her children, children to their
parents, animals to their young, compassion people feel for each other,
throughout time. but the other ninety-nine parts allah has kept with him,
and insha'allah he will bestow them on us on the day of judgement.
subhan'allah.
although tonight is not definitely laylat-ul-qadr, it
could be anyone of the odd-numbered nights of the last ten days of ramadan,
the 27th has the most chance of being right. but i'm not missing out, i
already got down the 23 and 25, and i'm planning on the 29th as well i'A. i
missed the 21st and i hope that that's not it.
november seven/ramadan twenty-four: independent sanah
(!)
today was the fast-a-thon, and i was really glad over the
turnout. and it was also the first time in my life that i gave sadaqa
without asking my ma for some money. yay!
so also in the old union clubhouse i discovered that the
mussellah is open 24/7 and that it is usually empty, so i went over at 10 to
pray there. because it's one of the nights of ramadan that is very very very
holy, i will talk about this more on the 27th. and honestly, the mussellah
at this current time was amazing. it was like, you know in harry potter, the
room of requirement? that's totally what it was. it was quiet, i was alone,
there was every religious book imaginable--there were even prayer beads in
four different colors. subhan'allah, someone up there loves me.
i prayed all the nafl my ma gave me but didn't have time
to read surah al-dukhan seven times for extra credit. but my du'aa was
prolonged. usually, when i'm praying serious and heartfelt, they start out
like conversations with allah and i become surprisingly eloquent (miracle,
seriously) and it is amazing. and tonight i asked allah not to end ramadan,
because i'm going to really miss this feeling, and that got me going. i
swear i convulsed and cried and cried and cried, and i had to wipe my
leaking face with something, and i didn't want to ruin my hijab, so i used
my sweatshirt. the sleeve is now covered in snot and tears. lesson learned:
on the twenty seventh, which is probably going to be worse, take a box of
tissues.
november four/ramadan twenty one: talawat
i'm at this halal meats store in sunnyvale right now,
actually right outside of it in the car. and these owners (and so many
others m'A) provide free iftars to so many people. think of all the thawab
they're getting! i'm jealous.
a lot of stuff is happening lately, too
much at once. the DISMAL chem midterm grade, the bff getting engaged, the
election, etc, and i didn't wake up for seheri this morning, so i pretty
near fainted today. it was terrible and scary and i feel really melodramatic
so haha.
but i needed to get a break. and the best way to do that is
to listen to the qur'an. so i did, and i feel uplifted. my mind is cleared,
and i'm ready to go on.
the last 10 days of ramadan are the ones with
the most blessings.
november three/ramadan twenty: religion of
hope
i know what i said yesterday about politics and about not
letting it effect me, but i can't help it, i feel really down right now. i
swore i wouldn't watch any of the election coverage, but i'm dumb so i
watched from 6 pm to 2 am. that was eight hours of my life that i spent on
an edge when secretly in the pit of my stomach, i knew that everything was
going to be bleak bleak bleak. it turned out not because of the results, but
because of how our democracy functions. i'm only eighteen and i feel jaded
already.
but that eight hours is really frightening, and i think that
it says something about me. i don't know if i'd ever spend eight hours
praying, or worshipping, or straight up in the rememberance of religion, but
i can spend it in front of the tv staring at numbers and wolf
blitzer.
but because this is ramadan, i have to remember and
especially believe that whatever happened was for the better. in the cosmic
scheme of things, there is going to be some significance to this that's
going to be good for everyone. in my limited world view, i have to respect
and believe in that, because it's the most i can do.
so lose not heart, nor fall into despair: for you must
gain mastery if you are true in faith. [al-imran
(3:139)]
november one/ramadan eighteen
with everything going on these days, i'm feeling frantic.
i just can't seem to get everything together. i don't only mean in a
schoolwork sense, but on a larger scale--all of which is ultimately
effecting me on a personal level. everyone wants to shoot everyone else over
the election tomorrow, and the op-ed debates in the daily are making me
antsy, and the fact that time has to pass and ramadan has to end and that i
still haven't done anything amazing is bringing me down.
a lot.
but then i thought of asma gull hasan and her book, which
is very cute and biased, but still awesome: "when any person has lost touch
with his or her inner soul and voice, the natural, gut reaction is to focus
heavily on the outward aspects like politics or rules...islam is not simply
about politics or what is done to muslims."
i think i am stuck in the middle of that right now, and i
think that i need to sit back and remember that i'm about being a person,
and not about politics. because all of this stuff will pass, and in the end,
it will be just me and my devotion to allah.
october twenty eight/ramadan fourteen: the half
mark.
i was trying to get some of my non-muslim friends to do
the fast-a-thon for charity next week, and they asked how it would be
enforced. and i kind of gaggled because i never thought that fasting needs
to be "enforced." you just do it, and you do it right, "right" in the sense
that you don't eat or drink, whether with spirituality or not. and i think
that this is true. fasting during ramadan is a very hardcore thing, you
don't "cheat" and take a bit or a swig here and there--either you do it
right, or you don't do it at all. and from my experience, we muslims, no
matter what our level of religiousness, adhere to that.
there are also ahadith that say that level one fasting
doesn't get any "credit", and that you have to go to at least level two to
please allah (swt). this is very true what is the point of starving yourself
you have to fight with your mind to go beyond your stomach. be reflective.
pray for forgiveness, really and truly, from your core. ramadan is halfway
over. what have i done that i'm proud of? what have you done that
you're proud of?
october twenty six/ramadan twelve
this is the first time that i'm understanding the
importance and awesomeness of the muslim ummah. i love everyone i've met
here so far, and masha'allah, everyone says as-salaam-u-alaikum to each
other, like in ahadith. no one pretends that someone else doesn't exist, and
it doesn't matter what your perceived "level of faith" is--as long as you
are muslim, you are automatically accepted and loved. from what i've seen.
alhamdulillah, i could hecka get used to this.
october twenty five/ramadan eleven
i am amazed to realize how easy it is to wake up for
seheri if i go to bed early, so it's hecka my new thing from now on. and
after fajr, i didn't go back to sleep, i was like this work machine, i think
it was the barqat that was being sent down, because i got a LOT done.
however, i didn't think to read the quran then, which is the best time to
read it, so i will tomorrow insha'allah. you know, stealing stones and
breaking bones.
and i have a PLAN for being more focused in my prayers,
i'm totally going to use my newly learned surahs. i've always used surah
al-ikhlas, i think that's how most pakistani kids were taught to do it, but
i'm going to break this. i feel a little like a loser admitting this to the
world but it's ok. BECAUSE I AM CONDUCIVE TO CHANGE.
even though it's a little late i feel like i'm taking a
positive step by being a go-getter and actually figuring what i want to do
and then going for it. and dude weekends are when sanah is going to pray
taraweeh, no matter what. inshallah inshallah inshallah.
october twenty four/ramadan ten: the levels of
fasting.
after yesterday's brief bout of absolute panic, i calmed
down considerably. i was alone in my room, it was finally clean, and outside
was gray and rainy. so i just put on quran recitation and sat and listened,
and felt very calmed. and re-energized. i can do this.
see, there are three levels of fasting:
-
level one [masses]: abstaining from food, drink, sex,
during daylight hours.
-
level two [special muslims]: abstaining from level one
stuff, and wrong deeds (i.e. a lot of the stuff i'm attempting to
cut down).
-
level three [elite muslims]: abstaining from
worrying about the material world, and spending most of your time in
remembrance of allah.
definitely aiming for level two this year, i want to be a
special muslim, because the prophet said "whoever does not leave evil talk
and working according to it, then allah does not need him to leave his food
and drink." and this is so true; allah doesn't even need us to not sin--it's
just his boundless mercy that allows us a chance to rectify ourselves. i
know that i need to make the most of it.
ramadan is a third of the way done. i'm afraid to think
about what i've done so far (basically nothing). it's time to get cracking,
insha'allah.
october twenty three/ramadan nine
i absolutely lied, i didn't update this daily. mostly
because i have been worried about this ahadith:
[in ramadan] the gates of hell are closed, the gates of
paradise are opened, and the devils are in chains.
i'm very afraid, because with "the devils" out of the
way, i should be doing only good things and not go towards the bad, because
isn't it normally satan that tempts people into doing bad things. but it's
ramadan, and i still want to listen to music, and i still want to watch
movies, and i still have to force my mind not to wander during prayers. and
i'm worried, is this ingrained in me? is doing bad things so ingrained in
me, that even during this month of compassion and forgiveness, i can't take
advantage of what is offered because i'm stuck in being a bad person?
october twenty/ramadan six: god's
children.
i went to the first day of the united nations annual film
festival (the
UNAFF) in time to catch
the last movie of the day, "
god's children". and
subhanallah, i can't even begin to explain what was happening inside of me
as i watched it. i witnessed human resilience and hopelessness and faith and
wow.
the part that choked me up the most was when one of the
families that had been going without food for weeks came together to pray as
the dad was going for a few days to find work. they prayed, "protect us
lord, and thank you for your bounty."
subhanallah. i prayed with them in my heart like i've
seldom prayed before. i think that going to the UNAFF every night is going
to make my ramadan a lot more meaningful. the movie reminded me about why
i'm fasting, and tonight's prayers at least are going to be a lot more
meaningful.
october nineteen/ramadan five: breathe on me!
suuuure.
the weather outside is rainy and loud and the whole world
around campus smells really good, subhanallah. and haha i didn't even
realize what a nice transition i set myself up with because i want to talk
about smelly breath.
a lot of people complain about bad breath during fasting,
and being someone who is obsessive-compulsive about brushing and flossing
like a madwoman, i find it disturbing too. HOWEVER, i reasearched this, and
having bad breath can be a good thing for one of the following two
reasons:
-
the grotty coating in our throat and the roof of our
mouth and tongue is caused by digestive wastes--when we're hungry, our
stomach digests any crap lying around in it (like fat or leftovers or
whatever) and that is what coats our tongues. however, eventually it gets
squeaky clean inside and that horrible phase of bad breath is
gone.
-
a very pretty hadith: "there are two occasions of joy
for one who fasts, joy when he breaks it and joy when he meets his lord;
and the breath (of an observer of fast) is sweeter to allah than the
fragrance of musk." i'm not sure what musk smells like, but it's probably
a-okay.
i read about this banker once who had to deal with clients
all the time, and because bad breath is offensive, some religious authority
told him that it was ok to use mouthwash every once in a while while fasting
as long as he didn't swallow it, because it's important to make a good
impression as a member of the muslim ummah. and a lot of people ask about
brushing your teeth and some say it's ok to do that too. but all in all it's
all about intentions, and if your intentions are good then you're pretty
ok.
october eighteen/ramadan four: surah
al-rehman
i was totally in the mood for talawat today, even though
i'm bad at it, it makes me feel good, and i had a good opportunity because i
had the room to myself. so of course i went to surah al-rehman because it's
my favorite to listen to. and i forgot all about its tear-inducing beauty,
especially this one ayah:
all creatures beseech him for help,
everyday he
manifests himself in new glory
amazing.
if the translation is this beautiful, i can't even
begin to imagine what it would be like if i understood arabic. there are a
few surahs that make my soul shake, even if i don't know their translation,
surah al-rehman is one of them.
october seventeen/ramadan three: breaking lots of
rules.
although my fasting was, once again, not too hardcore, my
time after fasting was worse. i talked trash about someone, but caught
myself after five minutes--i don't know, maybe this is because i was in
uzair and ahmed's room doing homework and they tend to have a very
mollifying effect on people, and this mixed with their hospitality and tons
of food made me let my tongue unleash itself.
i've actually read this
hadith about two women who were backbiting all day during their fast and
when it was time to break fast they got really hungry and were like "oh
what'll we eat" and they were commanded to throw up and they threw up
flesh and the flesh was the flesh of the people they had been talking
smack about, and now they had to eat it. super grotty but very effective. at
least i didn't say any mean things about anyone while i was
fasting.
oh and ahmed also had music on and i didn't try to ignore
it. in fact, i hummed along in my head. how great of me.
however,
ariege came over and all three of them began this hardcore conversation
about how uncool it was that the gates of ijtihad were closed and about the
satanic verses. and because i've read quran and woman and seen bridget jones
diary i chipped in (not so brilliantly though with the rushdie cameo in
bjd). i actually do think it's a pity that ijtihad is over because, going
back to karen armstrong, that decision came about as a political rather than
a spiritual move. i'm so tired.
october sixteen/ramadan two: iftar in
fresno.
i went back home for the weekend, and day two of ramadan
hasn't really been extraordinary. i think that i can't really get
spiritually hyped up if i'm with my ma because having her looking after me
makes me ridiculously lazy, and she shovels the food down my throat for
seheri so i had a huge stomach ache deal today.
also, this
seheri/suhur was confusing me, so i looked it up, and suhur is the
time of morning you wake up to eat and seher is the food you eat.
so both words are accurate and i shouldn't feel stupid using one or the
other.
the community iftar was really nice; i liked meeting up with
old friends. but the numbers had really dwindled down because a lot of
people wanted to go to the iftars at other mosques, and sadly enough, it
seemed to have divided up racially. and they also announced as "good news"
that there would be no more lecturers after dinner, which is a horrible
thing to say. things are changing, and i don't like it.
october fifteen/ramadan one: the jerk.
i am not having a good day. here is why:
-
when i was walking to class, this is old lady standing
all alone in memorial court said "excuse me, but can you take a picture of
me?" and i said "i'm really sorry, but i'm running late to class," and i
kept on walking. and i wasn't late to class at all and like two
seconds later i started regretting what i did. i am such a bad person. I
REFUSED TO HELP AN OLD WOMAN. some spirit of ramadan i'm embodying--i am a
JERK.
-
in class, professor zare called on me to answer a
question about the molecular formula for arsenide and i didn't know,
because i wasn't expecting it, and so i gave the wrong answer and people
mumbled and then i corrected myself. and i felt myself turning red (which
is really something on brown skin) and was self-conscious for the
rest of the lecture. i tried to think of it positively, like i'm supposed
to, and took it as a chance to introduce myself to him after class
(incidentally, that didn't go too greatly). i am painfully stupid; i don't
know why he had to pick on me from a lecture hall of 200+
students.
last night isha'a was really amazing i was shaking because
i was so excited, but now i feel inadequate, like i'm not at all spiritually
equipped for this month at all. i deny help to the elderly and i don't know
how to be an attentive student.
AND i almost accidentally took a sip of water. i am the
MOST HORRIBLE PERSON EVER who is going to FAIL MISERABLY this
month.
october fourteen: ramadan mubarak!
after "jerusalem women speak" ended and people were
milling around to ask questions, i heard someone say "ramadan mubarak" on
the phone. and of course as it was the muslim students awareness network
co-sponsoring the event, the huge chunk of us muslim kids went
electric.
i for one couldn't turn off my huge stupid smile, so i
called my ma to well wish her up and she was like "what? really?"--not a
great way to start, i know.
HOWEVER, i immediately felt it. it just
clicked, the whole "all is well with the world" thing. i couldn't stop
shaking and smiling and wow. absolutely electric. and even though i swore
when i stepped on a sprinkler and ariege had metallica on in her room, i
feel like i can do this. i can answer yes to those 20 questions and i can
accomplish my own teeny goals.
i can't begin to explain what i'm
feeling right now. and i was totally glad when i walked into my room and my
roommate's vodka bottle was half of what it was this morning, because this
means that she's out hardcore partying, and i get the room to myself tonight
to pray isha'a.
ramadan. wow.
october thirteen: karen armstrong (!).
i totally just tried to hack a loogie (this is looks very
strange written out) and i aimed it for the trashcan, but of course missed,
and now there is a huge blob of spit on my carpet. SUPER GROTTY.
however, before i exhibited my superior hacking spit
skills, i went to memorial church to see karen armstrong talk about "islam:
a short history and contemporary issues". and reading her stuff has helped
me so much in breaking misconceptions and eliminating prejudices i grew up
with, so seeing her speak was amazing. she's this short english woman with a
bob but her brain is full of all this amazing stuff. she ended the night
with this gorgeous quote by ibn-arabi that made me cry (like tears streaming
down face I KNOW):
do not attach yourself to any particular creed
exclusively,
so that you may disbelieve all the rest;
otherwise you
will lose much good,
nay you will fail to recognize the real truth of
the matter.
god, the omnipresent and omnipotent,
is not limited by
any one creed.
amazing. and then afterwards i went up to her basically to
tell her that i'm in love with her and she gave me a quiet "thank you" and
then HELD HER HAND OUT for me to shake. and so i shook it. and i was going
crazy inside.
i think the lecture's timing was amazing, because coupled
with my response, it made me absolutely excited about being moved
by spiritual awakening and simple acts--everything has so much meaning, and
that's without me even trying. if i try hard this year, who knows what'll
happen.
october thirteen: the to-do list.
this is from "not done enough this ramadan" by udiana
jamalludin. my stomach is churning with apprehension mixed with excitement
mixed with nervousness. insha'allah this ramadan is going to be hardcore.
-
have i kept pace with the amount of quran i wanted to
read, or have i fallen behind?
-
have i tried to attend tarawih regularly, or did i use
weak excuses to get out of it?
-
did i try praying my five daily prayers with
more sincerity, concentration, and focus than usual?
-
did i invite anyone over for iftar?
-
did i help any needy person, even a panhandler or
beggar, when i was fasting?
-
did i regularly seek allah's forgiveness and mercy with
sincerity, fear and hope?
-
did i memorize any more quran than what i knew
before ramadan started?
-
did i try to be more patient in ramadan than i
normally am?
-
did i try to control my anger, especially while
fasting?
-
did i try harder to avoid backbiting and slander?
-
did i constantly check my intentions, to make sure that
my good deeds were for the sake of allah alone, not to impress others,
gain their favor, or to show off?
-
was there even an atom of pride in my heart?
-
was i quieter and more contemplative?
-
did i cry in my prayers?
-
did i make sincere repentance to allah, really feeling
sorry for my sins, or did i just verbally say "astaghfirullah" with no
real remorse for my bad deeds?
-
did i forgive those who hurt me?
-
did i avoid hurting anyone with my attitude, words,
intentions or actions?
-
did i give any more sadaqah than i normally give?
-
did i share the message of ramadan and islam with a
non-muslim?
-
did i feel annoyed at being hungry while fasting or did
i rejoice?
october twelve: pre-ramadan briefing.
usually what i do before ramadan every year is cram as
much stuff into my system as i can get away with and then go cold turkey for
a whole month without it. however, that hasn't really worked for the past
two years, so this time i'm going to transition this week, i.e. every day
i'll listen to one less song, or say one less mean thing, or whatever, until
i'm totally haram-free by friday/saturday.
so that means today is my
last gravy train!!!! song; they're the most badass thing i have on iTunes.
oh, i also can't say things like "badass" because swearing is hecka haram
too. i don't know what's going on i don't swear too often or even listen to
music that much anymore, but this last week or two i have been overdosing on
both of them. amazing.
the
mizzission.
ramadan, the greatest time of the year ever, is like a
reset button. explanation: we go back to being spiritual and reflective, and
feel hecka good about ourselves, and try to keep it up for the rest of the
year, but around summer go crazy with the heat and fall back into being
stupid. then ramadan comes around again, and everything's good again. this
is the reset button principle.
what i want to do is document this
"resetting of myself", if you will. it's definitely not a food journal,
because that would totally be missing the point. i'm just trying to keep it
up on al-sirat al-mustaqeem. i want this to be a meaningful ramadan, because
this is the first one in which i'm completely responsible for my own
self.
my goals:
-
no music.
-
not sleep through most of the day on weekends. have to
be awake to fast.
-
find a heartwarming charity and give money.
seriously.
-
incorporate five new sunnah into
life.
