Radness and Lameness

by Philip Guo (philip@pgbovine.net)

Some people are radder than others

Let's face it. You don't treat everyone you know the same way. You don't interact with everyone with the same level of enthusiasm. You don't have equal amounts of fun spending time with everyone. You think that some people are more rad (radder) than others, and conversely, that some are more lame (lamer) than others. When given a free choice, you would rather spend time with certain people you know rather than with others. Your preferences change over time and according to your situation. And that's perfectly normal. In this article, I want to elucidate the often unspoken truth about the inequity of human interactions. I feel that those of us who are more keenly aware of this inequity can maintain better inter-personal relations and thus live happier lives because, after all, we humans are social animals who often find great satisfaction by maintaining healthy relationships with others.

The inequity of human interactions arises from the fact that we all perceive certain people we know as being more interesting, more captivating, or simply more fun to be with than others (I will use the blanket term rad to cover all of these charismatic qualities, and the term lame as its antithesis). At a given time and place, each person subconsciously rates all the individuals whom he/she is around on a scale from most rad to most lame (I'll call this the radness/lameness scale). When given a choice, a person would usually devote more of his/her energies to interacting with a person higher up on the scale; a radder person is almost always preferred over a lamer person.

Imagine you are at a party and had a choice between devoting your attentions to one of two people standing in front of you. I define the radder person as the one that you would more likely pick, and the lamer person as the one that you would less likely pick. Of course, your preferences may vary greatly over time and according to context (e.g., you may think that your parents are radder than your casual friends after returning home from college and seeing your parents for the first time in months, but in steady-state, you would prefer to hang out with your casual friends rather than with your parents), but such an ordering always exists unless you're somehow highly disciplined (or brainwashed) to treat all of your peers as complete equals, like if you were a monk or a suicide cult member.

Notice that my definitions of the terms rad and lame are purely operational and do not include any judgment of character. Thus, saying that someone is more rad than someone else in a certain situation is not necessarily a compliment of his/her character, and saying that someone is more lame is not necessarily an insult. Saying that someone is more rad simply means that you would prefer to dedicate more of your attentions to him/her at that moment than to someone who is more lame. Please keep this in mind as you continue reading, because I do not intend to insult people when I say that they are lame (the insulting word I will use, though, is pathetic, which has a different definition than lame).

The inequity of human interactions

Unless all participants in a given interaction regard each other's radness levels as the same (which is a rare phenomenon), there will be an inherent asymmetry in how people act towards one another. Here is an example of extreme asymmetry: If you are a dorky semi-ugly guy trying to talk to a super smart and hot girl after calculus class one day, you probably rate her pretty high on your radness scale, but she probably rates you pretty low (unless she's not at all shallow and thinks that intellect is all that matters ... keep dreaming). You rank her as much more rad than she probably ranks you. Thus, you should not expect to be able to approach her like you're Brad Pitt and sweep her off her feet. You need to be prepared for the cold shoulder or a polite brush-off, although you should still be confident of yourself (but not as confident as you could be if you were Brad Pitt). If you are the hot girl, then you should know that the dorky guy probably rates you fairly high on the radness scale while you rate him fairly low, so you need to set your expectations and actions appropriately. If you are kind-hearted, you may try to listen to what he has to say, but if you are apathetic, you can simply politely cast him aside. And that's okay. Why? Because you have a higher relative radness compared to him. It's your prerogative (Bobby Brown, then Britney Spears ... nevermind), but how others perceive you depends on your actions towards those who are less rad than you (more on that in a later section). However, if you were a troll-woman, you shouldn't expect to have the same preferential treatment from guys as the hot mom on The OC. In sum, the relative radness levels of two people on each other's radness/lameness scales determines the nature of their interactions.

Thus, one's ability to predict how one stands on the radness/lameness scales of others is crucial in determining how adept one is in social situations. Failure to make accurate predictions often results in disappointment, frustration, or general social awkwardness. If you know that somebody thinks that you are a super stud, then you can get away with more and don't have to be as nervous, but at the same time, you have more to lose and higher heights to fall from if you make a fool of yourself. Conversely, if you know that somebody thinks you are ultra lame, then you might strive to be more modest, earnest, and respectful when trying to earn his/her attentions.

Always try very, very hard to determine exactly where you stand on other people's radness/lameness scales, and set your expectations and demeanor accordingly. I think that this is the most important step in enabling you to maintain positive and healthy social relationships. Don't under-value yourself and think that others rate you as less rad than you actually are. If you do, you'll freak yourself out and act like a spazz even in front of people who already think that you're a stud, thus possibly making them think that you aren't as rad as they originally thought. Don't over-value yourself either. If you do, people will easily see through your guise and think that you are worse than lame; they will think that you are pathetic for believing that you are radder than you actually are.

Examples of radness/lameness scales

Here are scales ordered from raddest to lamest for several kinds of people in various situations. Remember, in general, you would prefer to direct more of your attentions to a radder person rather than to a lamer person. Think about what scales you have in mind for yourself in various situations.

College-aged male in general social setting

1. Hot intelligent girls you've just met
2. Hot girls you've just met
3. New people you've just met who share your common interests
4. Good friends
5. College peers who share your common interests
6. Non-hot girls you've just met
7. Casual friends and acquaintances
8. R.A.G.s (Random-ass guys)
9. Teenagers, especially those who look up to you
10. Parents' friends
11. Parents
12. Young children
13. Gross or creepy people you've just met

Notice how I did not rate "Good friends" at the very top of the radness scale. That's not because I don't value the importance of having good friends; in fact, I think that close friendship is one of the most valuable and fulfilling types of inter-personal relationships. I only rate it behind some groups of new people who you meet for the first time because most people would rather take the time to get to know new interesting people rather than simply hanging out with their good friends all the time. If you're at a research lab mixer, you know that your good friends will be there for you next weekend, but those hot girls from the Astrophysics Supermodels Society you've just met won't ... unless you go talk to them and try to make friends with them. Of course, sometimes you'd rather hang out with your good friends than with new people, if those people are creepy or otherwise unappealing.

Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed freshman guy at college orientation

As you can tell, orientation is quite a superficial event ...

1. Hot girls
2. Semi-hot girls
3. Fun down-to-earth people you can see yourself eventually being friends with
4. All other girls
5. R.A.G.s (Random-ass guys)
6. Creepazoids

Ambitious new employee at a swanky social event at work

I'm just pulling this out of my ass because I've never had a real job yet where I needed to schmooze ...

1. The higher-ups in the company who can help boost your career in the future (after all, this is a schmoozing event)
2. Workplace friends
3. Your boss
4. Your boss's bratty kids
5. Non-creepazoid co-worker acquaintances
6. Interns
7. Creepazoid co-workers

Recruiter at a career fair event mingling with college students

Yes, ideally, job recruiting is supposed to be based solely on technical qualifications, but in the real world, appearances and people skills matter a lot! Let's assume that everyone at the career fair is more-or-less equally well-qualified for the offered positions.

1. Really, really good-looking people with great charisma
2. Pretty good-looking people with some charm
3. People with okay looks but who are genuinely and earnestly interested in being a dedicated employee and appear highly self-motivated to learn
4. People with okay looks but with really down-to-earth, likeable personalities
5. People who share common heritage, history, or interests with you, who can relate to you somehow
6. R.A.G.'s (Random-ass guys and girls) who don't stand out in any way
7. Sycophants and cheesy suck-ups who try way too hard to impress you
8. Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Intermission

(As an aside, I want to emphasize that your rankings of radness and lameness and where you choose to focus your attentions often have little to do with your opinions of people's moral character, integrity, or intelligence. Thus, just because you perceive someone as lamer than someone else doesn't automatically mean that you are cold, callous, mean, prejudiced, bitter, etc. The canonical example is parents; most teenagers and college students would probably rate their parents as fairly lame, but that doesn't mean that they don't love, respect, or admire their parents. It just simply means that they feel that their friends or peers are more fun to hang out with in their free time. And don't think that the feeling isn't mutual, either! Often times, middle-aged parents would probably prefer to hang out with their own friends doing things they like rather than hanging out with their children.)

What if I am really lame?

Are you sure that you're really lame and that you're not just under-valuing yourself? If so, don't despair. Being lame is not necessarily a curse. After all, lameness is relative (e.g., everyone is lame compared to Chuck Norris). If you can accept the fact that other people view you as lame and still maintain healthy and fulfilling social relationships, then you've got nothing to worry about (remember, just because somebody views you as lame doesn't mean that they are going to treat you with disdain ... on the contrary, the rad people who truly deserve their status treat lame people with an above-average amount of respect and congeniality). But if you want to become less lame, you can do one of three things:

1. You can try to make yourself less lame. That may not be as hard as you think due to positive feedback. The hardest part is getting started. Once you overcome the initial hurdles (which may be daunting) and your peers start seeing you as more rad, then your confidence will boost and you can become even radder, then they will think that you are even radder, and so forth (that's idealistic, of course, but oh well).

2. You can hang out with people who aren't as rad, thus making you radder by comparison. This is easier said than done, because people naturally group themselves by relative radness so that the average difference in radness between the raddest and lamest person in a social group usually isn't so huge. Trolls aren't gonna be hanging out with Madonna and crew.

3. You can simply wait or move to a new place, and maybe your relative radness level will naturally improve with time or a change in location. Don't hold your breath for this one either.

I think that if you are fed up with your lameness, the best way to improve is through conscious effort. Again, don't despair. You think that all those rad people you know were simply born rad? Hell no. Most of them went through awkward lame phases, but they had the skills and talent to get out of their ruts and become rad.

What if I am really rad?

Congratulations. On average, you will be able to have more doors open for you in terms of both your professional and personal lives, more respect and admiration from others, and all the other positive things that everyone aspires to attain. There are two things to watch out for, though:

1. How do you treat everyone else? Remember, you probably feel that most people are either on par with your radness or lamer than you, so how do you treat them? You have the prerogative to do whatever you want, but how you're perceived by others depends on your actions.

2. Remember that you may not be rad forever. Your radness is contingent on other people's opinions of you, so if you abuse your powers, then people will think that you're an arrogant prick. After all, people are much more critical and jealous of those who are rad. The classic example is the Al Bundy story that's repeated so many times in high schools throughout the years. The popular high school football team captain is adored by everyone in town: Girls want him, and guys want to be him. But what happens? The radness doesn't last, and the ex-jock-king grows up to be a washed-up middle-aged loser with a beer belly. Radness only lasts as long as you don't take it for granted and continue to treat others with respect.

The majority of people ...

are neither super rad nor super lame. Most of us are viewed as rad by some people, lame by others, and, most of the time, somewhere in the middle. Our radness levels fluctuate according to time and location. That means that we must constantly adapt our disposition depending on context. Fortunately, most of us already do this all the time without even thinking about it. You probably don't expect to be treated by your professor the same way as by the kid that you're tutoring.

The most pathetic kind of people

The most pathetic kind of people are those who think that they are rad but who are actually lame. (Notice that lameness by itself does not equal patheticness. It's not necessarily bad for someone to be viewed as lame ... most teenagers view their parents as lame, but still love and respect them. But it's definitely bad to be viewed as pathetic.) These pathetic souls totally fail in their predictions of where they stand on other people's radness/lameness scales, and thus incur the annoyance and mockery of everyone around them.

The sad thing is that most pathetic people don't realize that they are pathetic, simply because nobody wants to be rude and tell the pathetic person the awful truth that he thinks he's way radder than he actually is. Nobody wants to be the bearer of this bad news, because there is no personal incentive for anyone to do so (unless it's a family member or other loved one).

Conclusion: Know your place

Here's my take-home message: You need to know where you stand on other people's radness/lameness scales relative to your peers and set your expectations and behavior accordingly. If you are not astute enough to predict where you stand on person X's scale, then often you will be disappointed or annoyed when he/she doesn't treat you the way that you would like to be treated.

This ignorance of one's place on the radness/lameness scales of others often affects children when they interact with adults. For example, when I was 6 years old, I memorized lots of world geography by studying maps (yes, I was a weird child ... let's move on). My parents loved showing me off to their friends at parties and having them quiz me on geography. I really enjoyed the attention and earnestly thought that they genuinely respected my precocious intellect, so I often became puzzled and disheartened when they always seemed to quickly cast me aside after some cute compliments, then return to talking with their adult friends. I really wanted to interact with these adults as an equal, and was saddened that they wouldn't take me seriously. Why won't they take me seriously? After all, I had just correctly told them what the capital of Pakistan was! Of course, now I know that most adults think that 6-year-olds are pretty lame in general and would definitely rather mingle with their friends than chat with me about world geography. Imagine if I were still as clueless about the existence of radness/lameness scales as when I was 6 years old; I would hardly be able to function in any social setting.

Part of growing up is realizing the inequities of inter-personal relations and doing one's best to fit in with one's place. Denial of one's place on the radness/lameness scales of others can lead to social awkwardness and frustrations. Acceptance of one's place allows for better social interactions in general, which means more fun for everyone. So next time you feel that something is amiss in a social situation, think about the radness/lameness scale not only for yourself, but, more importantly, for the people around you, and try to understand how everyone fares on each other's scales. If you can be astute in gauging the relative levels of radness and lameness of people around you, not just on your own scale, but on the scales of all others, then you stand a great chance of being able to maintain healthy and fun social relationships.

Feel free to send comments, suggestions, questions, or rants to me via email: philip@pgbovine.net

Here are some email responses to this article.