Dateline Kyoto: It became immediately apparent that your intrepid correspondent had ventured into enemy territory when his hotel room boasted, "We, Hotel Granvia, have great concern for ecology and will enforce following matters [sic] to help prevent the destructive climate changes.... We will only exchange those towels on the basin top. Please only use one soap during your stay. The Map of Kyoto is a product of recycled paper."

The material handed out to all participants at the conference contained the following pledges: "it was concluded in Japan that the whole nation would take thorough energy-saving measures on both corporate and individual levels. Our plan includes individual efforts such as setting the temperature of heater equipment at no higher than 20 degrees Centigrade (68deg. Fahrenheit)." (The Granvia had missed the word and my hotel room was overheated. I had to ask the bellboy to turn it down.) "To realize these goals, it will be required that we accept a new lifestyle, including wearing warmer clothes ... the use of heating equipment in the conference rooms or the reception rooms will be as moderate as possible during the meeting. In this connection, we are planning to distribute shawls to you upon request in order for you to feel comfortable. Printed on each shawl is logo `Smart Life with Energy Saving' showing the importance of an environmentally sound lifestyle. Distribution will be made to 100 people each day on a first-come first-serve basis."

Greenpeace mounted an humongous solar powered kitchen, with an environmentally friendly refrigerator, powered by $20,000 worth of solar panels, jutting 15 feet into the air -- something all housewives hunger for. To offset the somewhat pricey cooler, they offered free solar brewed coffee, at least when the sun was shining. With only one piece of soap allowed, shawls for 100 of the ten thousand or so present, and cool rooms warmed with overheated rhetoric, it was clear that Al Gore was in safe hands.

Turning to the reputed substance of the conference, the American delegation refused to answer any questions about satellite and balloon data; the most important item on its agenda was securing agreement on the international bureaucratic organization that would oversee the new regime. The delegates believed that the White House had come up with a plan that would eliminate the threat of global warming, would be fair to all, and would not harm the world's economy. They also claimed that other countries would soon see the wisdom of Washington and that the tooth fairy was ...

As a representative of an NGO (for those fortunate enough not to be conversant with UN jargon, a Non-Governmental Organization), I was given a badge and a tote bag, the right to stand around in the corridors and watch some of the proceedings on video, and to attend almost anything any other NGO wanted to present. As it turned out, some NGOs were more equal than others. Critics of a climate treaty were thrown out of an NGO meeting as not being of the faith. By the end of conference, all of us, believers and non-believers, were standing around waiting for word on what was being decided behind closed doors.

In the interim, since the government officials were busy schmoozing among themselves, the press was forced into interviewing themselves and then, in desperation, the NGOs. Consequently, I was taped by CNN, national public radio, and French television. I missed out on MTV, Nickelodeon, and the Comedy Channel.

On the third day, we NGOs, were given special permission to observe from the fourth floor balcony the plenary session of the "Conference of Parties" or, as it was affectionately known by its friends, COP3. Each government made an "intervention" to justify the cost of its being in Kyoto. Consequently, by the end of the first hour, your correspondent had resorted to playing solitaire on the computer; others were catching up on their sleep. The delegates themselves were vying to congratulate the chairman on his election, haranguing the First World to give them more money, and protesting the claimed requirement that they use market principles. It was a stultifying sight.

Nature was not kind to global warming agitators. It snowed. The building was cold and many were wearing coats indoors. The ice sculptures that decorated the front had not yet faced Frosty the Snowman's fate. Indoctrinated children, copying AIDs activists, had made quilts, proclaiming their abhorrence of global warming, which festooned the halls. Financially straitened Greenpeace managed to send 41 rabble rousers to Kyoto. The austere federal budget came up with enough funding for 97 of our finest. Nevertheless, the best the NOAA representative could come up with when pressed about the satellite data, was that it did not measure ground level temperatures.

Bismarck remarked that legislation is like sausage-making, not to be observed by those with weak stomachs. International treaty-making reminds one of Kafka and the creation of a cockroach. The nearly 100 US representatives spent the mornings at secret sessions where they put forward positions already decided by Washington. Later they broke into smaller groups to repeat their previous statements. In the late afternoon, they gave reports, first to the several hundred representatives of American business, then to the greater number of American representatives of environmental organizations, and finally to the press.

We were informed that the modality of evolution was stymied but that it would be taken up by a contact group; that, for unknown reasons, the EU wouldn't budge on the bubble; and that the US supported limited differentiation. The QELROs group debated the number of gases to be covered and the US insisted on joint implementation. Now if you understand the previous two sentences, please go to the next conference in my place.

The Conference eventually degenerated into a mix of a revival meeting and guerrilla warfare. One night a group held a prayer meeting around the ice sculptures, pleading for their forgiveness as they began to melt. The Korean Federation of Environment Movements put signs on bushes outside the entrance proclaiming, "Cool the Earth, Save us," "reduce GHGs [Greenhouse gases] 20%," "Please: Gas Masks!," "Silent but Angry," "No Nukes, No Fossil Fuel for Us." (Are we to freeze?) Given that CO2 fertilizes plants, that research has shown that 95 percent of all plants would grow faster, bigger and would utilize water more efficiently in a world enriched with carbon dioxide, your corespondent was stunned. On the last day, a Japanese environmental group organized a demonstration in behalf of forests. The trees, too, were against CO2!

One group of environmentalists demonstrated against air travel; I assume they wanted us to take ships, preferably sailboats, home. Greenpeace, with an apparently unlimited budget, exhibited a huge metal dinosaur made of scrap auto parts -- at least they were recycling. I admit to being impressed with the metal reptile if not with their arguments.

Over 10,000 delegates, environmentalists, NGOs, and journalists (3,500) registered for this torture. The result was a gigantic amount of paper put out daily and crowded conditions -- it was hard to find working space. Two major forests may have given their all to provide the paper. Attendees complained that, when they found a seat, they could not locate the table under the paper, laptops, pamphlets, cameras, and empty plastic bottles. In keeping with the spirit of the occasion, the thermostat was turned down from its normal 73deg. to 68deg.. That brought many complaints but saved about 2 percent of the conference hall's heating bill -- that should save the planet!

Rumor had it that Al Gore came to Kyoto because he heard it has the largest number of Buddhist temples with the most generous congregations in all of Asia. Also overheard was one young man saying to an eager female environmentalist, "You must come up and see my wind farm." One of the newsletters published at the conference, "Eco," a green publication, reported, "It was a lovely day, rather hot for December. It seemed that climate was on our side." Now if they could take their instinctive preference for global warming and translate it into policy, we could put all of this to rest.

The foregoing rendition has barely conveyed the overwhelmingly fundamentalist environmental flavor of the convention. The halls were swarming with young, earnest types --vegetarian sandwiches sold out quickly at the snack bar -- who were preaching the gospel of an energy-free world. The only way to salvation was through abstinence or, in modern terminology, conservation. Those of us who questioned the need for a treaty could be counted on one hand while those who thought that no treaty would be strong enough to save the world were legion. The business community was watching out for its interests which, in some cases, meant strengthening any agreement. The politicians were paying attention to informed constituents, that is, to environmentalists.

After all this sound and fury, the American delegation signed an agreement that the Senate will not ratify, that will not reduce greenhouse gas emissions significantly, that, even if the computer models are right, will not have any measurable effect on the climate. It will, whoever, send jobs and money abroad, reduce our standard of living, and breed poverty and discontent worldwide. Oh well, as Al Gore would say "it is a good start." But at what?