My email is no longer an.asshole.named.cohen@stanford.edu. Seriously.
The store "BevMo!", or "Beverages and More!", has really got to change it's name. Beverages and more? More what? Food? Cups? Rubber cement? And who the hell are they to come up with their own nickname, even to put it on their bags? You can't make up your own nickname, assholes, we'll shorten your name to BevMo if we think you're worth it. It's not like you're a major national chain or anything like that. No one refers to Office Depot as "OfDep", and thankfully for the rest of us, neither do they. And stop adding "!" to both your name, and your nickname. Nobody is yelling the name of your store out, except maybe in disbelief at how ridiculously expensive everything is. So shut the hell up.
The ball dropping in Times Square on New Year's Eve is lame. In case you haven't noticed, THE BALL DOESN'T ACTUALLY DROP, it gets slowly lowered down a small distance by a pulley system. That's not exciting. If you want to drop the whole think and let it shatter to bits, that might count, and it'd be much cooler, but right now I'm sick of everyone paying so much attention to "the ball dropping".
Has anyone else noticed how silly the everpresent coverage of California wildfires has gotten? I mean every news organization talks about it like we've never heard of this "fire" before. And it's the same exact chronology every time, and somehow we're not expected to notice that the exact the same thing happens every time yet every time it's still SOOO interesting! Here's the exact chronology of headlines -- does any of it sound familiar? Day 1: OH NO! There's a fire, and 73 $1M+ homes in the some random town in the woods are threatened! Day 2: Firefighters are trying to stop it, but the winds are shifting making it very difficult! Day 3: Firefighters are struggling to contain the blaze while teary eyed residents were forced to evacuate their homes. Day 4: Firefighters from Oregon have come to help out their California neighbots. Day 5: Firefighters have the blaze 28% contained and residents are hopeful they can return to their homes. Day 6: Firefighters have contained the blaze but it will be four days before the fires are actually burned out. Residents are grateful to the brave firemen. Day 7: Coverage begins of the next California fire, if there isn't some stupid story like Don Imus or whatever he just said filling the airwaves.
It's not 1987. No one thinks it's cool anymore. People figured out how to slide down that same stupid railing 20 years ago and then realized it's lame. You're not creative. Get over it.
Carlos Mencia is a total moron, and so is anyone who thinks he's funny. Every commercial for Carlos Mencia is the same damn thing "OH YOU SHULD WATSH MY SHO BEECAUZ IM NOT AFRADE TO SAY CONTRAVERSHAL THINGS LOL!". If you have to tell people that you ARE controversial, it probably means that you are NOT controversial at all, you just wish you were. If you want to be controversial, fine, do so, but don't try to be controversial just by declaring yourself so. Poser.
Am I the only one who thinks that the Domino's Oreo dessert pizza looks horrendously disgusting? Is there anyone out there who could possibly eat it? Ugh! And these commercials with the Oreo beard are really not helping. I think it's th first non-tampon non-viagra commercial that actually reduces my appetite on the spot. Unbelievable that Domino's would possibly think this is a good idea. Watch this whole marketing blitz crash and burn...big time! Domino's execs and marketing folks clearly have their heads right up their asses.
California has this very frozen-in concept of closing every public beach and park at sunset. Why? Because it's dangerous. HUH??? What a bunch of dumbasses. Kiss my ass. What is the big deal about hanging out on the beach at night innocently? I'm just sick and tired of California beaurocrats controlling all this like a bunch of fascists. It's horrendously unfortunate that the state with the second most amount of natural beauty (behind Alaska, of course) is also the state with the second most number of overcontrolling scardicats (behind Nebraska, what's their problem? ok, Nebraska didnt do anything but I'll be annoyed by them anyways because it's fun). We're freely allowed to do things which are WAY more dangerous than, um, SITTING ON THE BEACH. I challenge anyone to come up with a single logical reason why the beaches and parks should be close. There IS NONE. I hate the whole system, you go there and pay $8 or whatever to park, and the $8, does it go for conservation or restoration? Nope, it goes to pay for cops who spend their time yelling at kids to get off of beaches 10 minutes past sunset, while just miles away some criminal is probably robbing a store or doing an ACTUAL crime. Stupid California. And while I'm on the subject, I HATE the stupid red turn arrow at intersections. Why does EVERY traffic light have to have it? Morons, if I'm trying to turn left, and there's no cars coming from the opposite way, and I can see clearly, WHY SHOULDNT I TURN? No, let's increase the wait time at lights by 50% because we have to have the left turners go SEPARATE from the ones going straight. Nice going, jackasses.
I can't stand these stupid SUVs or pickup truck owners (or regular cars, or that matter) who replace the regular tires with the ridiculously oversized or fat tires. It ought to be illegal, and those people sent to JAIL. Think about this: If you have three beers and then go driving, you could go to jail. Why? Not really because DUI is a danger to yourself, but because statistically, any accident you get into as a result of being drunk is more likely to kill someone else and leave you unscathed than vice versa. Fat tires? Same thing. Never mind the fact that it's dangerous to install absurdly fat tires that your car's body wasnt designed for. I believe in darwinism. What's more important is that anytime one of these SUVs crashes into another vehicle, the other driver WILL DIE, simple as that. In essence, you put are putting OTHER people's lives at risk. So, if we're going to ban drunk driving, we sure as hell out to ban the absurdly large tire.
Enough is enough with these horrendous "Viva Viagra" commercials. Even if I were someday horribly stricken with ED, a bunch of middle aged guys homoerotically bonding over music and their orgasmic excitement for Viagra is the last thing that would EVER convince me to buy it.
Can someone explain to me the whole Michael Vick dogfighting thing, and why it's a big story? I dont JUST mean that in a "why the hell is this front page news on ESPN.com every time some tidbit comes out" sense, though that's a big one. I mean this in a "so he had dogfighting in his house.....so what?" sense. Seriously, from the media reaction to this story you'd think Michael Vick was a bloodthirsty serial killer. Hey....people....what is the big deal about dogfighting? And no, I don't particularly "like" the concept of two dogs ripping each other apart in a fight for people's enjoyment, I just don't understand why this is receiving such a disproportionate amount of attention and disgust. Think about this: Most of the population (myself included) is not vegetarian, meaning that most of the population is perfectly alright with the concept of raising animals in small cages and then slaughtering them painfully in mass. Why? Because they taste good. And we also have a legal multi-billion dollar industry called horse racing, in which we train a bunch of horses unnaturally to perform dangerous races, and if any of them suffer a slight injury, we will kill them right away. Why? Because people like to gamble. So now we have someone who engages his dogs in fights. Why does he do it? Because he thinks it's fun to watch. OHHH NOOO!!!!! HOW COULD YOU??!! YOU EVIL SCUMBAG!!! Really, is that any worse? This is a federal offense?? Hey, people, shut the hell up, you hypocritical media spoon-fed PETA lovers. Why the hell are we supposed to care about dogfighting? Because some dogs are "cute and cuddly"? Please.....put a sock in it, Paris Hilton ass kissers. Oh, and let's not forget this: we've built an entire society which, since Michael Vick was a little boy, has told him that he should participate in a sport where people spend half their time trying to dangerously slam someone else to the ground, and the other half of their time avoiding getting slammed to the ground, and furthermore, our society has been telling him since he was barely walking that he could be richly rewarded with fame, money, power, if he does that better than anyone else. In essence, are we not, as a society, doing the same thing to Michael Vick that he's doing to those dogs? I realize that NFL players arent killed if they lose, but there's a big difference: NFL players are HUMANS, and I dont give a damn how many times PETA protesters eat dog shit, because HUMANS have, and should have, many more rights than dogs. So why is everyone treating Michael Vick like he's nothing but a scumbag? Again, I dont have anything against the concept of sports, and I love football, but does this not scream hypocrisy louder than a nuclear bomb? No, I refuse to be swept up in the "Michael Vick is the devil" bandwagon, just because a bunch of douchebag PETA protesters said I should be. One more point: Take a look at all these articles and quotes, by the way, about the Vick thing. Notice how they all say explicitly things like "dogfighting is a disgusting activity", or "golly gee dogfighting is cruel". Why do they feel the need to state that? When there's a serial killer, do people feel the need to state "murdering people is a despicable act"? No, because it's patently obvious. In this case, we have a bunch of "pundits" trying to CONVINCE themselves that dogfighting is substantially worse than it actually is. Why? Because they know deep down the degree of anger over all this is way out of proportion given the rest of what our society tolerates in terms of animal (and human) treatment. Bottom line: He flagrantly broke the law, send him to jail, but the rest of us need to stop feeling all high and mighty for the fact that we supposedly arent cruel enough to do something LIKE THAT.
I have a great idea! Why don't we take delicious crunchy snack, and springle a cup of rotten cheese on it? Well, that's exactly what Ranch flavored CornNuts are: a complete perversion of an otherwise quite tasty snack. They are one of the most reprehensible, disgusting, racist, appalling, depraved items ever to have existed on the planet. In fact, all "ranch flavored" snack items should be banned. Seriously, who the hell eats that crap?
An open letter to the media regarding the coverage of Don Imus: Dear douche-bags, It would be greatly appreciated if you would discuss Don Imus some more. I'd love to hear about some jackass I've never heard of, and about the who-the-hell-cares remark he made. Please be sure to keep this at the forefront of all your TV shows, newspapers, magazines, and radio shows. I've been having trouble lately when I take a crap, it doesn't smell as bad as it used so, so I think being bombarded with Don Imus stories may help me out. Yours truly, the non-douche-bag community
Consider the following situation. You're at a party, cocktail event, or some function where they're serving refreshments. They bring out cookies on a tray. The tray consists of half chocolate chip, and half oatmeal raisin. Which one is going to finish? Yes, obviously the chocolate chip will always finish first. So why do caterers feel this compelling need to include oatmel raisin? It's clearly inferior in nearly every way to the oatmeal raisin. Their only advantage is that you have no problem stuffing it down someone's shirt as a a practical joke, because that's about all it's good for. Oatmeal raisin cookies do not belong in the same class as chocolate chip. So stop pretending to provide "selection", and just serve only the right kinds, please.
Lame.
Damn all these stupid Mercedes, Lexus, Infiniti, whatever other dumb cars with blue headlights. It blinds all the other drivers. The next great advance in vehicular safety is to make sure that all oncoming cars at night can't see the road, or anything for that matter. Great job, jerks!
I hate the term "blogosphere". Seriously, who gives a crap. Why are people spending their time reading entries about what kind of shoehorn random strangers use?
You knew this rant had to come eventually. But I've written so many negative, condescending, angry rants, I thought I should write one more positive. So here's some reasons why I LOVE the Transportation Security Administration, and the general attitude toward airline security at the moment: I am very happy that they're putting severely disproportionate attention on preventing airline hijackings, because clearly there are NOT 999 other ways a terrorist could do a lot of damage. I am also very glad that it's ok to bring a 3 ounce tube of toothpaste, but its not ok to being a 4 ounce tube of toothpaste that is only half full, or a totally empty water bottl, because that is extremely logical. I am very very happy that the dramatic increase in checked bags as a result of the "liquids and gels in hand luggage" rule has resulted in a dramatic increase in lost and misplaced bags. I mean, who actually needs their luggage anyways? Good riddance! Finally, I feel extremely safe knowing that TSA folks are very good at stopping the plots that they already know about, because it's not as if the terrorists are going to think of any new ideas, right? OK, so seriously, I am sick and tired of being told that I need to be afraid of terrorists on my airline enough to accept more and more annoyances, delays, and accompanying security surcharges on my ticket. I just dont give a shit anymore. I will gladly accept the slightly increased risk if it means I dont have to put up with all that garbage. Because even if the terrorists blow up a plane every year, flying will still easily be the safest way to travel. But here's why the TSA folks are a bunch of morons. There is just one security precaution needed, and as long as you maintain this rock solid, hijackings will never even come close to the scale of 9/11. Just lock with utmost certainty the door to the cockpit, so no matter what happens, they'll never control where the plane goes. That's all you have to do. All the other security precautions are just bullshit, psychological games so we feel "safe". This scardicat attitude has gone way way too far. I dont want to "feel safe" any more than I want to actually be able to travel without waiting for 30 minutes to get through the security line, and then 30 minutes again to get my checked bags, and without paying the security fee surcharge that is now included for every plane ticket, and without my taxpayer dollars getting thrown in the toilet. Seriously, do they really believe that they can stop all the terrorist attacks? Every six months it's the same thing. They find out about another plot that would have gotten around the security, they foil it, and they add rules to prevent it from happening. It happened after the shoe bomber plot, it happened after the liquid explosive plot, and it'll happen again, and again, and again. But no matter how many rules they implement, terrorists will just think of another way, because the concept of allowing people to fly with boxes and bags full of stuff is fundamentally in opposition to the concept of not allowing anything through that could be used to make some trouble. There are a million ways to get through that security, and we are totally fooling ourselves into thinking that it can be done by anyone, even a smart and imaginitive agency, let alone these morons in charge of the TSA now. So we've lost the cost-benefit analysis. Is it really worth all this hassle, all this money, all this wasted time, all this frustration, to reduce the risk of a terrorist attack from .00000011 to .00000010? And even if we really are making it impossible to hijack a plane, all we're doing is forcing terrorists to focus on the massive number of other ways to attack and kill a lot of people. This is not the real fight, but all of us are casualties nonetheless.
Why is it that when people are holding a bottle of hard liquor in a public area, they feel compelled to keep it inside a brown paper bag? Like that's BIG BIG secret what type of alcohol you've decided to drink. Wouldn't want anyone to know THAT! And of course, no one would ever guess that the glass bottle now wrapped in crumpled paper bag is in fact alcohol. People will just think you're an avid recycler. Yes, I know it's the law in some states that alcohol can't be open and exposed in public, but since everyone just slaps the same stupid brown bag anyways, making it easy to stop, the law serves no purpose anyways.
40,000 americans die every year from car accidents. Car miles driven continues to increase every year. Americans consume over 700 million pounds of spinach every year. A few bags were found to have a bacteria that causes flu-like symptoms. Two people die, and everyone freaks out. "We must never eat spinach again!! Boycott it!! Lettuce, too!! Take it out of every store!! Never eat a salad!!" Thanks, that makes sense.
Most people who move to California from elsewhere have probably noticed the California REI-complex. If you're ever in a conversation with a Californian, and REI happens to come up, their eyes light up, and they get all giddy. I didn't think much of it before, but I've now concluded that REI is secretly a cult, and most Californians are total suckers to it. It's a complete epidemic. I happened to be going camping one weekend, and a friend (not from CA) mentioned that a new REI was opening for the first time, the day before the trip, so I went since I needed a few items figuring it'd be convenient. Bear in mind, there's another REI about 25 minutes away, so it's not as if the concept of an outdoor store, or an REI, is new to the area. Anyways, this was the store's opening day. However, upon arrival, there was a line of MANY HUNDREDS of people to get in. Many people had CAMPED OVERNIGHT to wait in line to get in. I arrived just before they actually opened the doors, and when they did, the whole crowd/mob standing in line cheered like their life suddenly had meaning. HEY.....Wake up, Californians!! REI is not the source of happiness and harmony, it is not a religious holy site. It is a store that is trying to take AS MUCH of your money as it possibly can. I bet half the people in the line don't even know what REI stands for, yet they're obsessed with it. Oooh, Oooh, there's a new REI!!! Let's go camp overnight on a sidewalk in the middle of a city so that we can wake up and go give them our money!!! Just another example of people falling over themselves in the name of "trendy" things, like going to REI. I left.
Message to ESPN: Stop showing WNBA highlights prominently on SportsCenter. No one goes to games, no one gives a shit. When people start giving a shit, you can start showing highlights.
Fake maple syrup tastes like garbage. Put it there. Get real maple syrup.
The day of judgement has arrived for accordian style post-it notes. I'm talking about the ones where every other post-it note is rotated 180 degrees, so that the adhesive is on the other side. The judgement: they suck ass. Seriously, every time you pick it up it flies down and spreads into that zigzagging accordian shape. And every time you tear off one, you have to remember to rotate the pad by 180 degrees before writing on the next one. What the hell can of stupid post-it note is that?
Pulpless orange juice is roughly equivalent to sugarless ice cream. Have you noticed that people always go with the lowest common denominator when it comes to pulp in orange juice (i.e., when it doubt, get less pulp). This should not be treated the same as spice in food, where lowest common donominator is often considered the most reasonable approach. The pro-pulp community must rise up and defend our rights when buying orange juice!
Why is it that whenever someone on TV or in a legal profession refers to a "minimum" sentence to a crime, they always say something like "conviction for this crime carries a minimum sentence of 3-5 years in prison". Hey, learn what the word minimum means. The minimum can't 3-5 years, it's 3 years. Learn some precision.
All fragrances and perfumes should be BANNED on airplanes. I can't stand sitting behind those people on the airplane who dump a cup of perfume on their face in the middle of the flight. You're on an airplane! The air is contained, and no one wants to small your disgusting perfume. Put it away, shitface!
Message to Gillette: All your damn razor blades are exactly the same, so stop hyping up your "fusion" blade like it's the best thing since sliced bread.
What is the big deal about big corn tortillas? Every time I see a tortilla, you have the choice between large flour tortillas, or small corn tortillas. I don't understand -- why can't they make big corn tortillas? Will the Earth be vaporized in horror? I can't stand it when I order a soft taco, and they cram so much into the tiny corn tortilla radius, leaving no way to eat it! Just use larger corn tortillas!! And while I'm on the subject of mexican food, why must the spicy salsa also be the thinnest? They haven't figured out how to do a spicy, chunky salsa? What's the hold-up?
There was a time when gum was not a bad choice when you're in the candy isle. But, now, the flavor in gum doesn't last long at all. You start chewing, ten seconds later...Gone! I hate that feeling when you realize that you've chewed a few minutes too long, replacing the wild cherry flavor with that nasty de-flavored gum aftertaste. Cheap bastard gum makers.
Hey, people, when you're eating an apple, stop with the really annoying uberbite that makes the loud crunch. Also, once you get past the age of four you should be capable of chewing fruit without the really annoying smacking sound. Wow.
Why is it that curly fries always have to have to have the seasoning, and you can't get conventional-cut french fries with the seasoning? Don't get me wrong, I like the seasoning sometimes, and the curly texture can sometimes be good, but I just don't get why the "curliness" has been so intertwined with the seasoning.
Have you noticed that radio and TV have the volume substantially louder for the commercials than for the actual programming? So you either have to manage a tradeoff between having everything way too loud during the commercials, or way too soft during the show, or having to reach for the remote before and after every commercial break. It is REALLY getting irritating.
Quizno's sucks. Their sandwich selection is lackluster -- all they have is rediculous combinations, it's almost impossible to just get a standard sub and customize it the way you want, like you can at Subway and EVERY other sub/sandwich shop. And why do they have to make a face when you just ask for a regular chicken sub, is that SO hard to do? Also, "oven toasting" is a crock of shit. They just "warm" it. That doesn't qualify as a toast! Oh, and that talking baby mascot is getting really annoying. And what kind of name is Quizno's, anyways? Sounds like a name of a really inferior sub shop. Oh wait, it is!
Why is it that people get into little small talk "stop 'n chats" in the WORST places? Like RIGHT in front of an escalator? Or in the middle of a narrow hallway/sidewalk? Or at an elevator door? Or just after the top of a ski chair lift? Come on, people, get the hell out of the way. If you want to talk about "so how about that weather" for 15 minutes, fine, but don't do so and block right where I'm trying to get through, jackasses. Oh, and while I'm on the subject, two people should not stand next to each other on an escalator, it's irritating. If you want to exercise your laziness and use the escalator like an amusement park ride, fine, but dont stand on BOTH sides so that others can't get through.
Message to all California drivers: Your turn signal is there for a reason. Use it, assholes. And learn your stop sign rules. I am so sick and tired of being cut off by or almost hitting drivers because they didn't use their turn signal or didn't obey simple stop sign rules (oftentimes the direct result of chatting on the cell phone, by the way). And while I'm on the subject, why the hell does every traffic light have to have a red turn arrow? When your side has green, you should be able to turn left if there are no cars coming, unless it's a blind corner or hill or something, but here in CA the red arrow is everywhere. And while I'm on the subject, why is it that CA highways must have exits every 1/20th of a mile, and yet somehow manage to have three on-ramps merge simultaneously into one, causing grodlock? And then people wonder why a highway with 8 lanes on both sides can be jammed bumper to bumper. Gee, tough one to figure out.
Time pressured midterms are so stupid. Hey, I've got a great idea of a test to figure out who's learning the info! Let's give them 80,434 questions to do in 14 minutes. That way, the ones who can flip to the page in the book faster to get to the figure I referred to without reproducing can do well. Morons. Hey, here's an idea: TEST WHO UNDERSTOOD THE MATERIAL. Or, just dumb down your class and lose respect from everyone of your ability to reward hard work. Your choice.
What's the deal with putting "late" in front of names of people who are dead, as in, the "late" Ronald Reagan instead of Ronald Reagan. What were they late for, they're dead! And since you are referring to someone who is no longer alive, why not say the "early" Ronald Reagan, since you're referring to a time, obviously, that falls earlier than the current one. Given that I've heard it used for good people and bad people, it's certainly not necessarily to honor someone. Makes no sense at all.
If you ever travel to Bangkok, they have these little motorized outdoor carriages to get you around called dook-dooks, cheaper than a taxi. Do not trust any of the drivers. They will cheat you by taking you to places other than where you asked to go. For example, you say "take me to restaurant A", and they will take you to a different restaurant, one that pays them a commission for doing that. Or, if you say "take me to the royal palace", they will instead take you to some clothing or jewelry store, once again, because they're paid a commission by that store. Find ANY other means of transportation. (taxis appear to be ok, or just walk, or take public transportation). If you do foolishly decide to take a dook-dook, I hope you have your gas mask ready to go. When they do cheat you, please don't pay them. Addendum: Dook-dook drivers in nearby Cambodia will not cheat you, so you can trust them.
If you ever travel to Bali, do not *EVER* climb Gunung (mount) Batur. Bastards.
At least five different cell phones went off during the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services I was attending this year, and evidently I'll have to find a new one because that is REALLY irritating. Sheesh, people, you're going to SYNAGOGUE! TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES OR DON'T BRING IT AT ALL! You are not so important to the world that it needs to be left on, get over yourself.
Can someone tell me why, at every movie theatre I've ever been to, they always have to tell you where the movie theatre is when they take your ticket? "Turn left, third on the right". Haven't they noticed that there are gigantic signs up in the lobby, and that the theatre number and movie name is displayed clearly in front of every theatre? It's really not that complicated.
The Cheesecake Factory is disgusting. I don't understand why every weekend people line up an wait for an hour or more to get a table when there are scores of other restaurants that are tremendously better. So I have an idea for a new restaurant. It's called "butter cafe". The menu consists of various flavored sticks of butter. Actually, on second thought, it won't work, because Cheesecake Factory has ALREADY DONE THAT. Seriously, when you eat their dinners, you get full so much quicker, it defeats the purpose. And I have never left cheesecake factory without a disgusting feeling in my stomach. I have a theory that people like Cheesecake Factory just because it's the "trendy" restaurant. But, everyone just needs to wake up and realize that Cheesecake Factory sucks, and start smashing the restaurants down with axes.
What's the deal with Dove? So think about this....it's a chocolate and ice cream......and a soap. What's with that? How does a chocolate/ice cream company suddenly say "I think we should break into the soap market now". (Or vice versa) What a weird combo.
A couple months ago I was out to dinner in downtown Palo Alto, and there was an anarchist rally a few blocks away (in front of Pizza My Heart). A bunch of them got violent, and starting dumping over trash cans, picking up street signs and smashing the windows of parked cars, causing the police to block off a five block radius. Nice job, guys. Anarchists are so stupid. Think about this: so they say they're all against government control, authority figures, mandatory education, etc. Conformity is surrender, right? Yet.....they all have the same exact logo (the weird looking A) and they all use it and know what it means. Damn hypocrites. And oh yeah, they all wear the exact same color (black), and get lots of tattoos and body piercings. Way to show your individuality and fight against conformity, you worthless cocksuckers.
It's time to ABOLISH THE PENNY! I am fed up with pennies. Pennies here, pennies there, enough is enough. A bunch of times I've seen someone drop a penny or spot one on the ground, and not pick it up. When clearly the value of the penny drops below the value of bending down to pick something up, it's time for the penny to go. Round all prices to multiples to $0.05, and save us the hassle of dealing with stupid change. Oh, and while I'm not the subject, I REALLY hate when food stands/stores/venders set prices that come out to $5.03 or $6.52 or some crap like that. SHeesh, adjust your prices by a few pennies to it works out evenly after tax, how hard is that?? Assholes!
Let's follow Rafael Palmeiro's story: Back in March, in front of Congress, Palmeiro claims "I have never done steroids. Ever. Period". Two months later, Palmeiro's steroid test comes up positive. OOPS!! Afterwards, in a prepared statement, Palmeiro claims "I have never INTENTIONALLY done steroids. Ever. Period". Nice addition, Jackass, so you're telling us it was an accident? The next day, word leaks that Palmeiro had tested for a particularly potent steroid, one that you really couldn't have taken unless you're looking for it. OOPS!! I'm waiting for Palmeiro to claim that he was inducted by psychotic aliens who forced him to take steroids. Damn cheater. But take solace, Raffy, because you've got a class act named Jason Giambi on your side supporting you. Damn cheaters. Shit, I hate the Yankees.
Recently, the Nutri-Grain bars I have come to know and love for quick snacks decided to add the term "cereal bar" to the front of the box, in more prominent type, presumably as an effort to better describe it. Is this supposed to make me more likely to buy it? First of all, there's no such thing as a "cereal bar", that's just stupid. Next, there's no resemblance between Nutri-Grain bars and cereal. Does cereal have strawberry jelly in it? Is the grain product ever crumbly like the Nutri-Grain bar? No! Cereal is always crisp or crunchy when it comes out of the box, and only softens when put in milk. So, message to whoever markets Nutri-Grain bars: Cut the crap. You're not cereal.
Why do people back in to parking spaces? I know, they want to be able to get out quickly when they leave, but it still makes no sense. The time spent backing in to the space is not made up for by the quicker exit, so it's INefficient. It just makes no sense.
Why is it that every time I eat cereal in a cup, some dumbass has to comment on how strange it is? I dont get it! Cereal in a cup is much more portable, it's noticably easier to control the milk/cereal ratio, and it requires less effort to drink the milk that's left over. I think if you can't appreciate the value of cereal in a cup, YOU're weird.
So the powers that be of baseball have decided to start a world tournament for baseball similar to the World Cup. The name they've given it is "World Baseball Classic". Does anyone else think that's kind of stupid? World Baseball CLASSIC? It's NOT a classic if it's in it's FIRST YEAR OF EXISTENCE. This is insulting marketing. A few golf tournaments do this too. The Booz Allen Classic? The tournament has been named that for a whole 15 months now, wow that's really a classic. I think I'll skip watching the majors this year, and just focus on watching the Booz Allen CLASSIC. Thanks for letting me know how important this one-year-old tournament is.
Goat cheese should be renamed diarrhea cheese.
On TV I saw a commercial for a movie, don't remember the name, it was one of those previews where they flashed quarter-second long snippets one after the other with a quick drumbeat background. You know, a desparate effort to make it look "exciting" and "fast paced" without actually actually saying a damn thing about the movie. In the same preview, it used another stupid movie marketing tactic: dumb descriptions. This particular movie described itself as a "take no prisoners tale". What the HELL does THAT mean? I guess the only prisoners involved in this movie are the people watching it.
Why does Jeep keep pushing the fact that their vehicles are "trail rated"? How many people actually take their autos off the road and go driving on mountain sides? How about virtually none. So why does Jeep do this? Because people are actually dumb enough to think "gee, Jeep is Trail Rated, that could really come in handy as I'm driving down the interstate highway every day to my boring job."
I am 100% fed up with car alarms. They are simultaneously worthless and annoying. Nobody pays attention. I'll tell you what, if I hear your car alarm, and it annoys me enough, I'll just save you the worry and steal it myself. Set it up over a cliff, and drop a brick on the gas pedal, and watch the show. And I'll send you a video of the whole thing. Every so often you have a car in the parking lot near my building wailing endlessly. Enough is enough! And these car alarms that go off just when you TOUCH them?
Oftentimes some of the recent "hot hit" songs annoy me, because often they are garbage yet people listen to them anyways because it's "hip". Worse yet, you hear it all the time everywhere you go. But this one is really getting on my nerves. I don't know what the name is, you'll probably know what I'm talking about, but I assume it is called "Let's get it started" because the ENTIRE song is some idiot singing "let's get it started". OVER AND OVER AND OVER! That's NOT a song, it's a BROKEN RECORD! I just can't fathom how anyone without a shred of talent can manage to sell even one damn record like that. Let's get it started? OK, how about starting with you shutting the hell up.
I really dislike these parking lots that have the rows of diagonal parking spaces at 45 degrees. You have the choice to either ignore half the spaces in any given row, or it's a real pain in the ass to turn into them. It doesnt save any space overall in a parking lot, in fact in most parking lots it is space INefficient. What possesses people to make such stupid decisions? Who knows....
I'm really sick of seeing coconut on cakes. It's gross. Coconut belongs in the dumpster, not on pastries. Ugh.
How many times have I seen a commercial for the nightly local news that goes something like this: "You may THINK this product is good for you, but our special insiders investigation shows, it may KILL you. What are we talking about? Tune in at 11!" Shit, I hate that. The only thing "local news" should be investigating is how to shut the hell up and go away. Either that, or start investigating how to remove my shoe from their rectums.
Have you noticed how rediculous the bread section at your local supermarket is getting? So first there was white and wheat bread, then there was multigrain, five grain bread, seven grain bread. I figured that was all they could do, but then last year I saw twelve and then fifteen grain bread. Then the topper, last week I saw *18* grain bread. This is bullshit! Stop pulling grains out of your ass, we don't care anymore! And have you read the name of some of these grains? Millet? Spelt? Triticale? Bulgar?.......BULGAR? Yeah, hand me a slice of 18 grain bread with a side of vomit, please. And what the hell is up with these "low carb" breads. Low carb BREAD? You IDIOTS! Oh, and as an aside, have you ever noticed those orange juice drinks that you look on the carton and it says "contains no fruit juice"? Yeah, that's when you know you're buying a quality product.
The process of putting socks on is starting to annoy me. It's just too much hassle.
This pissed me off.....so I was at this all-day seminar, and there were a bunch of people all giving talks on a particular atmospheric phenomenon that we're all studying. Now, every talk had a couple of slides at the beginning giving background on the phenomenon, its sources of data, and the basics. Since the data available and the Physics known about it barely amounts to much, everyone's introductory slides were almost EXACTLY the same. But what was funny was that once a few talks had gone by, when the speakers would get to the introductory slides, they would pause and say "Well, I don't want to repeat what's already been said because you all know this background already, but....". And then immediately thereafter they proceeded to REPEAT EVERYTHING ON THE SLIDE AS IF IT WERE NEW. What the hell did you just say two seconds ago?? Idiots! It's no wonder the thing let out 50 minutes late. Why the hell do people do things like that?
Why do people get those fake fireplaces, you know the ones where you flip a switch and the gas flame comes on? So stupid......it's behind the glass so you can't actually use it for warmth or making s'mores. It looks fake. Why bother? Get a real fireplace!
What's the deal with those people who wear the watches backwards with the watch facing downwards on their wrist? What the hell?
I hate cell phones. Yes, I have one. It's getting to be a necessity at this point. But I hate so many things about cell phones (namely, how they're used by assholes like you) that I'd rather them not exist. Here's a sampling:
1. Annoying ringtones. In particular, ringtones that take good songs or pieces and reduce them to vomit inducing shit sound.
2. That stupid earpiece with the hanging string so you think sometimes that people are talking to you. People who use those look like lunatics because they appear to be talking to the air. They are lunatics.
3. Morons who speak loudly on their cell phones in quiet public places. Pipe down or turn the damn thing off!
4. People who drive while holding a cell phone. I cant tell you how many times I've been cut off or witnessed an irresponsible maneuver by someone holding a cell phone. Traffic Darwinism will eventually kill all those people anyways within a few thousand years. But what can I say....I'm impatient.
5. Long conversations about where to get good reception. I don't care how many bars you have, so shut the hell up! "I get 3 bars here", "I get only 2", "I get great reception at that Starbucks", "I dont get reception at all." What thrilling conversation.
6. Jackasses who forget to turn off their cell phone in class or movies. Or, worse yet, the ones who ANSWER IT!
7. Long conversations about different cell phone features. I'm sick of people being wowed by phones with cameras. They already knew how to make cell phones. They already knew how to make digital cameras. Putting them together was not exactly reinventing the wheel, ok idiot?
8. People who pick up the phone just to say "im busy, ill call you later". Here's a thought: DONT ANSWER IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I was playing basketball the other day and someone'cell phone rang, he just walked right off the court, opened the phone and said, immediately, "ill call you later". WHY??? Listen, people, answering the cell phone call is a CHOICE not a moral obligation. Get over yourself.
9. I'm sick of seeing people interrupt face to face conversations to answer a call. It's just plain rude unless you know the call is important. Never put a live person on hold to answer some dolt who just wants to tell you that his phone gets four bars of reception now.
10. Those stupid games. My cell phone has a game called falling numbers. A number appears at the top, and it starts falling. You must press that button before it reaches the bottom. And then another one appears. Thrilling, isn't it? What's next, cell phone "Simon Says"?
11. "Can you hear me now?" "Good" "Can you hear me now?" "Good" "Can you hear me n-"POW!!!!!!!!!
While buying a few DVDs the other day I noticed that there were a few movies that had two versions available: widescreen and fullscreen. Fine, that's ok, but here's what pissed me off - THE WIDESCREEN COST $5 MORE! WHY???? They know more people like the widescreen, but for this reason it costs them LESS to make the widescreen, not more. This is just damn annoying! Why the hell should I have to pay $5 more for the same exact product? Assholes!!! Oh, and also, anyone who prefers fullscreen clearly has no idea how to watch a movie. Fullscreen should be banned, and the movie-DVD makers should be caned.
If I see one more of those damned "we wish you a happy honda day" commercials on TV, someone is going to get their ass kicked.
I realize this came out a couple years ago, and I saw it in theatres. I just wanted to say that it was the worst movie in history. The very fact that so many "movie critics" praised it when it came out just proves to me where many of their heads are planted.
Despite being a big sports fan, I never root for an injury to a team or player that competes with my favorite team, nor do I take pleasure when it happens. This is an exception. Terrell Owens is injured and out for the year, and I couldn't be happier for the jackass. Philadelphia is about to see the real TO - the whiny, bratty, self-centered son of a bitch.
Why is it that the windows on airplanes dont line up with the rows, and aren't spaced out the same? Have you ever been in one of those rows where you're in between two windows? I hate when the window is right between your row and the next, so you don't really know who should have control of that window. For the life of me, I just don't know why the windows can't line up with the rows.
Have you ever noticed those people, in lectures/talks on controversial/political topics, who nod their head incessantly whenever the speaker says something they like? OK, so there's the "hmm, that's interesting" head-nod, which is only a tad irritating, but what really gets me is the "uhhhhhh huh! RIGHT on!" nod. Shit, I CAN'T STAND that Pisses the hell out of me. Especially when one of these people is sitting DIRECTLY between me and the speaker so I can't not see this asshole. Incidentally these are often the same people who tend to ask "questions" to the speaker that are really just extremely long comments followed by "what do you think?". And then they sit back down with that smug "Im so smart" look, makes me want to wedge some PVC piping up their ass, because they are clearly clogged up with shit. By the way, I'm getting increasingly annoyed with ultraliberals and ultraconservatives and their dumbass propaganda slogans. Morons, all of you. You're ruining this country. And you're ugly.
Krispy Kreme donuts are sickening. If you eat them and like them, you must be smoking dope. If you actually put on that senselessly asanine hat, too, then you must be on crack. They should make this into an actual drug test so as not to subject people to urinating in that stupid little cup.
Why is the Baltimore County Board of Elections so incompetent? So let me make you back to the early summer....I had submitted a request for an absentee ballot for the primary elections, and I didn't get it. Actually I did, but it was AFTER the election, the reason is they got the street address AND zip code wrong (even though it was correct in their files), so it bounced back and forth from Baltimore to Stanford twice before finally getting to me (I'll save post office incompetence for another rant). So I contacted the elections people and had them correct the address. I get two different emails confirming that my new apartment is now entered in, and I won't need to contact them again for the general election ballot. So what happens?? As of Saturday before the election, I never get the ballot. Because rather than correcting my updated address, they instead deleted my record entirely and backtracked to the address they had on file from four years ago, my PO box, which I hardly ever check anymore, and was lucky to have checked the Sunday before the election. This all means I have to next day air my ballot just to vote. Idiots. Next time I see one of these stupid TV panzy commentators discussing why voter turnout is so low, and making up all these bullshit theories, I'm going to kick the TV out the window. And while I'm on the subject, what's the deal with election day? Stupid! Why can't they just open the polls for a full week? It would take half the volunteers, and it would be way less crowded. What's to gain by obsessively cramming everything into one day and pissing everyone off? I should be President.
I hate when you feel a big sneeze coming, so in a race against the clock you scramble frantically to find a tissue, and then it goes away and you don't sneeze.
Derek Jeter and Cher jump off a bridge at the same time. Who lands first? Answer at the bottom.
What do you call 25 guys watching the World Series? Answer is tucked at the very bottom of this page.
I hate leaves. They're everywhere. They get stuck to your car's windshield wiper, in that little groove thingy. I hate that! I am one of those people who will actually open the window, turn on the windshield wiper, and try to grab the leaf in the split second when the wiper is at the edge. That never works. The worst is when its raining and you get the leaf stuck underneath the wiper, and it leaves that annoying arc of water. Pisses me off.
Seeing the Yankees try to cheat TWICE (at least) in the ALCS stirred up some old passions. First, a Yankee fan tried to knock a Red Sox home run back on to the field, and the umpire missed it at first. Then, A-Rod maliciously slaps a player in a critical situation, and again the umpire missed it. I guess $252 million doesn't buy a lot of class. Both times the umps reversed the call and got it right. But it all made me remember a certain day in 1996 when the umpires made an embarassing and historic screw-up, one that swung the 1996 ALCS from the Orioles to the Yankees. I HATE JEFFREY MAIER! He is the symbol of all that is annoying and wrong with the Yankees and their fans. Because it's OK to cheat and break the rules, and cut school in order to to do it, as long as you win, right? That's the message the Yankees, their fans, and the New York media sent, as they paraded this ugly, bratty, stupid kid around the New York talk shows, and branded him a hero. Then he was given a key to the city. Says alot about the overall classlessness of the Yankees and their fans. I hate the Yankees. I will celebrate their well deserved embarassment, becoming the greatest chokers in baseball history. As if losing 22-0 earlier this year in the most lopsided shutout ever wasn't enough. Well, they deserve it. Times 10.
I hate shaving. It's really a pain in the ass. Either you use an electric, and it takes an hour to shave and even after that you can still feel a little stubble. Or you can use a razor, slice yourself up, and walk outside with those stupid looking little pieces of tissue all over your face. On that subject, why is it when you cut yourself shaving, it takes so damn long before it stops bleeding? Update: Growing a beard is itchy as hell, for those now asking me "why bother shaving".
I can't believe we actually have a president who stood up for a national live audience and said "there are rumors on the internets." I can't believe that if he loses, we'll instead have a President who has no idea how to SHUT THE HELL UP FOR ONCE.
Why is it that when you look at your airplane boarding pass, they NEVER show the arrival time? What, does this break the secret airline code of conduct or something? Is that so wrong? It seems like relevant information to put there, especially since they love cramming your boarding pass with worthless codes and 17 digit reference numbers anyways, but damned if they're going to put anything useful on it. So I'm always stuck, halfway through the flight, having no idea when we're supposed to land.
Who the hell came up with salt and vinegar potato chips? They're disgusting.
Here's a worthless job that was recently created. So you remember the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" controversy during last year's Super Bowl? Well since then, many networks have taken to implementing 5-10 second delays on all live programming, so that if an obsenity happens they can quickly cut it from being broadcast. Of course, with such a small delay, someone has to be watching carefully and ready to react within seconds. This means that someone is actually paid to stand there staring at the TV, with their finger over a button. Sounds like a great life. What a waste of people's time.
I'm sick of walking around the street and seeing owners walking around their tine little foot long dogs. What worthless pets. Are people really dumb enough to think they make good guard dogs? Havent you ever walked by a house with a foot-long dog in the lawn? They run up to you and bark with their wussy high pitched shriek bark and then jump up 2 inches in the air trying to look tough and "defend their turf". Pointless. Get a real dog or don't bother.
Since I've already gotten on the subject of stupid famous people, what the hell is with Paris Hilton? I mean, who the hell IS she? The only reason she's famous is because of that sex video of hers that "accidentally" (yeah, right) got released on the internet. But why did anyone care? She'd never done ANYTHING! All you heard was "Did you hear Paris Hilton has a sex video on the internet". Remember that? The first thing I said was "Who the hell is Paris Hilton?" Seriously, there's no reason whatsoever she should be famous. Why, because she's an ugly slut? Well, she's no more slutty than a good chunk of the population anyways. Skank scam artist.
So ABC is starting to promote a new show named wifeswap. The premise is that families swap wives, and then they see what happens. The commercials show a progression of bratty teenage kids yelling "YOU're not my mother" followed by teary eyed hugs. What I hate most is how this shitty network tries to wrap it as if it were some kind of feel-good story with a moral. Fuck them, I'm calling them on their shit. This is not only a bad idea for a show, but it is completely inappropriate how they continue to place shows whose basic premise is "let's screw up people's lives so that people can watch and we can get money." Kiss my ass, ABC.
Can someone explain to me Why the Olson twins are suddenly a huge pop culture sex symbol? I don't get it....THEY'RE UGLY! Aren't sex symbols supposed to be attractive? Seriously, they're able to fool a few people by putting on three pounds of makeup, but look a little closer, and you may see an asshole crack on their faces. It's not as if they've done ANYTHING interesting with their careers, either. Ooooooh, you did a tv show when you were an infant....good for you, bitch.
This is NOT a blog. It is a page of angry rants. You may choose to make up an overly broad definition of blog and apply it to my page, like for example, that blogs are written by small number of authors often consisting of real-life anecdotes. However if you choose to use this definition and/or apply it to my page of rants, you are wrong, because given that this definition also applies to the op-ed section of the New York Times, which is clearly not warranting the term "blog" in the least bit , it must be that that definition of blog should be narrowed in such a way as to exclude the New York Times op-ed section as well as my page of rants, because this is obviously not a blog.
I hate when people use stalls in crowded public bathrooms to piss even when there are open urinals. The rest of the civilized male world has to put up with the horrible crowded bathroom urinal experience, so who the hell are you? You think you're above the rest of us?
So I was driving behind a car that had a rainbow colored bumper sticker saying "world peace through music". Now, I'm all for world peace, and I like music, but what the hell is that? Yeah, so I guess there would be no more wars if you just turned up the volume of your techno-diarrhea music. Morons.
Why the hell do they have to put so many damn stickers and plastic coverings on every new DVD? "Security device enclosed" my ass, they're just trying to piss us off. It takes an hour to open the DVD, and you can only open by shoving your fingernails into the sticker so hard that you pierce right through the plastic sleeve that holds the DVD title/cover.
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever" -Unknown
So I was watching TV and there was a commercial for a sleeping aid named Ambien. And the announcer came on and said "side effects may include drowsiness". Drowsiness, a side effect of a sleeping aid? Noooooo! How stupid do they think we are?
Face of the Month: An Anthology of Horror
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Answer to joke: The Yankees!
Answer to joke #2: "Who cares?"