The Random Quotes Compilation
"You could be looking at a platypus and your data will still match at low
wavevectors, provided the radius of gyration is the same" - my advisor
"Actually, my butt has page-load errors frequently." - Tina
"That's where most of our oil comes from, you know. Dinosaur pirates. They
buried it deep underground for a few million years." - Daniel
It's not lemon-flavored crack -- it's a pixie stick! - Daniel
"I'm just gonna say that at the heat death of the universe, am I really gonna be thinky much, or am i gonna be spending more time saying 'ouch i'm
freezing my tits off here!" - Tina
"The intersection of people who like to construct antennas and people who
want to cook small animals from a distance is very small." - Daniel's dad
"New York, with the Servants of Cthulhu are going to attack the
Republicans. This is a Rudy Guiliani moment." - Daniel (while playing
Illuminati, of course)
"God can hate you as many times as he wants. That's kind of the point of
God." - Robin
Me (while in Monterey): Somewhere in town is a statue labelled "Thank you
comrade Steinbeck for our happy childhood."
Robin: Sometimes you kids scare me...
Robin: So cricket is like Calvin-ball?
Me: What's Calvin-ball?
Sal: It's a sport based on Calvinism.
"Vicious drunks shoot on sight -- we refrain from speculating as to their
national origins -- but they are short-sighted..." Fisher, 1984;
J. Stat. Phys.
"Minion rhymes with onion, right? I'm writing a poem for you!" - Daniel
"Sometimes a talk is like Chinese food. While you're eating it, it sounds
really good but then when you go home you think, 'What the hell was
that?'" - rotation #2 advisor
"Getting an education was a bit like getting a communicable sexual
disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the
urge to pass it on." - Terry Pratchett, Hogswatch
"I hope my chances of going to NSF heaven are greater than those of a
llama trying to fit within the focal length of an electron microscope." - Daniel
"That's why I will never divorce you. So I don't blow up a car." - Robin
"So if you see a couple people with those funny hats... if you're ever on
the run from the British police, you can come over and hide at our
place." - Sal
Sal (to Daniel): If you don't go here, I'm taking my pants off!
Robin: Sal's taken over Tina's place in the quotes list.
Sal: Suck it, Tina!
"I'm waiting for the crucifictions. Seriously, I can't wait to see the
religion that develops where the electric chair is their holy symbol." -
S(hm)al
"Hey baby, wanna minimise our solvent-accessible surface area?" - Daniel
Me: It's not flirting if we're married
Tina: Yes it is - it's flirting with a known outcome
Joe: That's called foreplay.
"There's a tiny little demon ground into each of these noodles." - Tina
"If I'm gonna die, you should at least grant me the dignity of throwing
the milk in my face." - Daniel
"I am not a normal person. Why do my drawers think I am?" - Tina
"Oh toric France, your seas are so alluring..." - Charlie
"I'm making bed angels. Come join me!" - Daniel
Lara: Did you light the high school student on fire?
Daniel: It was spontaneous combustion, ok?! It wasn't my fault!
"Holding electric cables and having water poured on you isn't that scary
after 4 years at Tech" - Lara
Daniel (to Lara and me): Wait, this is so confusing for me. You both have
brown hair and a braid down your back.
"I think your polonium is inflamed. It's gonna have to be removed." - Daniel
Daniel: Can't we just go to the super market and get a goat someone's
already sacrificed?
Lara: You mean recycled sacrifices?
Lara: I'm not sure even his parents could reproduce him with any degree of
accuracy.
Daniel: I'm not scientifically valid. :-(
"Physics is to math what sex is to masturbation" - Richard Feynman
"Periodic table scrabble. It's no worse than strip-scrabble." - Daniel
"Consider the extreme example of a fluid composed of elephants that obey
the laws of classical mechanics and that interact through
elephant-elephant potentials." - Karl Freed, "Renormalization Group
Theory of Macromolecules"
"I was kind of hoping the sheep came with a sheep-to-USB port" - Daniel,
on how to charge an iPod while camping.
Daniel: Putin will be saying, "Launch the missiles!"
Me: Not with an Indiant accent he won't
Daniel: That's because he'll be outsourced
Me: Do you usually go shopping with a bison?
Daniel: I have a problem :-(
"Life is like two turkeys fighting over a peanut. They're both turkeys and
one of them has a peanut allergy." - Charley
"If I'm ever a supervillain, I will definitely have a Crimery in my
house!" - Charley
"I was put on tea & coffee duty, a job I thought not even a Canadian could
f*** up... but oh the anger and the fury... " - Micah
Me: uh-oh she's doing the kitty in the sun thing; time to go for a walk
Tina: but I'm photosynthesizing!
Joe: You can do that while walking.
Joe: I'd be the best damn shoulder demon ever!
Tina: I don't think Joe is my shoulder demon. I think I've got much bigger
problems than that.
"Did you let evil get into the sponge, Daniel?"
On the subject of Joe's dignity:
Joe: There's little bits and pieces of it all over the world. It's kinda
like scattering somebody's ashes."
Daniel: and everywhere there are signs saying 'Joe's dignity slept here'
"Joe doesn't get mono, the mono gets Joe!" - Daniel
"Do you think it'd be that hard to get Congress to pass a resolution
saying they could fund Jesus?" - Daniel, speculating on whether he'd be more
likely to get an NSF if he were Jesus
"Haven't you always wanted a deadly flying sea urchin?" - Lara
There was a valiant fight by the blanket, but I am a primate and I have
emerged victorious!" - Daniel
Daniel: "This one shall be called 'little crispy'"
Lara: "Lena, help! He's naming my socks!"
Daniel: "Well, I wouldn't have to if you gave them good names yourself!"
"I'm not really a scholarly oyster" - Daniel, being introspective
"It looks like a Caltech Frat house!" - Rebecca, referring to the
newly-made gingerbread house
"Willy Wonka is John Galt!... He employs illegal Polynesian immigrants." - Daniel
"Yeah, we've finally got the birth certificate. The wavefunction of his
middle name has collapsed to an eignestate" - Alston, regarding his new
baby
"The computation of the energy surfaces took approximately a year. I mean
student time, of course, not real time" - today's seminar speaker
"C The next line is needed for parallel runs of clean/dirty maidens." -
comment from someone else's code that I'm supposed to be debugging.
"Armet: a word that gives off an aura of manliness, but when you stand up
to it, it screams and runs away." - Lusann
"Shakespeareology: counting the instances of the word 'ye' in the Shakespeareome." - Daniel
Daniel: For richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, does not
extend to your suicidal plunge into the base 12 number system.
Tina (to me): don't worry, i'll be firmly at your side, wandering around,
spewing quotes of profecy during the whole time.
Daniel: Well then, you should marry her.
Tina: I can't marry you. I'm already married to Kelly
"All night long I was turning, turning, turning like a chicken!! *long
pause* on a rotiserie!" - Tina, via Momo
"Is River the brainy one that looked like a fortune cookie in that box? Well, you know, I don't expect to see a person in a box, so a fortune cookie seemed like a good bet." - Daniel's Dad
"In kindergarden, I decided that ladybugs were axially symmetric. Why does that make me retarded?" - Sal
"Is the Kama Sutra ergodic?" - Daniel
"It's a f*cking Markov Chain problem not a loquacious butt problem" - Alex, regarding his tendency to make phone calls with his rear
"Well, I'm always evolving. Pretty soon I'll be a giraffe!" - Daniel
Series of (loosely translated) quotes from our visitors from Nizhniy Novgorod:
[Disclaimer: some of these were said half-jokingly and some in all seriousness. I'm going to conveniently neglect to label which is which]
"But how do the cars get on the 6th floor? Do they take the elevator too?" - at the SFO parking structure
"Are those the collected works of Stalin? They look just like it." - pointing at our 1960 Britannica set
"The Pride Parade is awesome! Just like the May Day parade and just as fervent." - my dad
"What's a garage sale? If people are going to throw out their junk wouldn't they do it out the window instead of out the garage?"
Tina: Capers - they're pickled juniper berries.
Joe: Tina's life is another example of a caper: small and with vague connotations of criminality.
"You know, eventually we'll hit a plateau.My wooing is not Mt. Everest. It's maybe the high plains of South Dakota." - Joe
Mom: "Do you speak French?"
Tina: "No, but English does."
"Errr... I didn't realize wedding preparations involved solder." - Alex
Lena: Preferably toast.
Tina: Yeah, it's kinda hard to spread jelly on doom.
"It was a very testosterone-filled day. We went from the strip-club to installing linux" - Daniel
"I thought Tina was sleeping in my room..." - Alex
Essence of Tina: "I'm still thingy-ing... er... packing... ooh, rocks!"
"Whoz my sledgehammer? Yes you are. Yes you are... You're a good sledgehammer." - Tina, while stroking the sledgehammer that will soon be departing as a senior gift.
"I'm going to show up to the house meeting tipsy and then leave part way through, after eating Social Team." - Tina
"If all the mountains ran off to Las Vegas but no one could see them because of the smog, would they really be gone?" - Daniel
"Can I steal your dental floss? Mine's somewhere in the room - I'm not sure where. But it sent me a nice postcard the other day. It said "Help me! I'm drowning in shite!" - Tina
"Viagra for bunnies - now there's a bad idea. Just like viagra for catholics..." - Robin
"If we can find a way for Sal to bear the children, I'm all for it!" - Robin
"Monitor destruction is one of the purest joys of the modern era." - Robin
"It is in part, I think, a thingy-thingy of the time" - Tina, in her more coherent incarnation over the past few days
"I can be an English muffin with legs, sure." - Angela
"Enzymes are things invented by biologists to explain phenomena which would otherwise require harder thinking" - Jerome Lettvin [I've been sorting through old archives of papers - and, really, the Bi10 graders had no sense of humor - that is too an appropriate quote to start out a molecular bio lab report with!]
"We sicced Daniel on it with a hair dryer." - Tina
"Oh yeah! I need to go check on viagra..." - Daniel
"He keeps stealing my hot pink Jesus! The one that answers your questions
if you turn it upside down" - Krumholtz and co. at the Hollywood studio
Daniel: What plague was that?
Tina: Aren't you a Jew? Shouldn't you know these things?
Daniel: It's been a while since I've seen the movie, ok..."
Daniel: It all blends together in my brain
Tina: That's why Ditch Day really works much better if you don't have a brain
"Bi 1, my hero! Ok, I think I need to go use a plunger now." - Tina
Me: You go to heaven for weather and hell for the company
Daniel: Does that mean Seattle is hell?
FAQ section from ukvisas.gov.uk. (Oh so very useful...):
"When should I apply?
You should apply in good time for your entry clearance so that you are not delayed in getting into the UK."
"Oh, Prefroshies don't need space! They just need water and food pellets, and a change of sawdust regularly." - Tina, upon being reminded that her stuff is technically not supposed to be here any more
"I'm growling at the platonic solids!" - Tina
"I don't try to get quoted. I just talk like that!"-Tina
"My feet are tape dispensers, look!" - Tina
"My head has been certified 0% poopy!" - Tina
Me: That sounds like a torture chamber
Tina: Well, the Red Door is in there, and you know what they do to coffee beans.
"Eat applesauce but put in a saucer in the shape of a soul." - Tina
"Purple is a metaphor for the futility of ... err ... existence. Oppose me and you are doomed to a purple existence!" - Tina
"Only things with souls can unstick themselves!" - Tina
"It's the sopranos who are high? That doesn't make sense!" - Daniel [this boy has been in mixed glee club an entire term now... I kid thee not]
"Legendre and Lagrange are too similar. We're going to call Legendre 'Sam' from now on. Have you ever heard of a Sam transform? I don't think it's taken..." - Daniel
"I like my a**. It's plump and cushy. I like sitting on it" - Tina
[particularly funny if you've seen Tina]
"Never mind. You had to be there and eating yak for it to make sense" - Tina
"Yak - it's like beef crossed with duck without the flavor of duck!" - Tina
"But to get things done, you must love the doing, not the secondary consequences." - The Fountainhead
"Ok, I'll get you a dead goat, and then we can put the phrase 'free market capitalism' in our Ketubah!... I bet whole foods sells goat." - Daniel
"Don't make me look up llama prices! Oh... I've just gotta know..." - Daniel
"I'll sit through knitting if I get wild orgies another night!" - Benji
"I'm not stupid I'm just really happy today!" - Stephanie
"My body just woke up one morning and said, 'I'm going to break. Score! That's a good plan'" - Tina
"Lena!! You erased my memory!" - Tina
"I'm pretty sure it's Tuesday, but the exact Tuesocity of today is under question" - Tina
Sal: Llamas. Robin. There's stuff that I know...
Daniel: And that's a little more than I wanted to know...
"Deep-fried monkeys and giraffes you can ride on. That's my lab." - Sal
"The First and Only Newsletter Dedicated to Shorter Men Who Choose to be Vertically Driven... Not Vertically Challenged" - Daniel is now receiving a whole new level of snail-mail spam
Me: Benji, are you sure you weren't a girl?
Benji: ...I found a pink one on the ground that day.
Me: Do you think this sex & relationships talk is going to involve beads?
Tina: No, this talk sounds more like it's about how to collect beads for fun and pleasure.
(NB: it's only funny if you're a Rudd)
"Have you ever heard of Sheister Chaplin, the magical midget that helps the pope suspend franken-squirrels from the air in Mexico?" - Anonymous caller
"Bunk being a technical term for shite and shite being a technical term for poo but with less smell." - Tina
"It could be worse! You could be collecting llama shit." - Daniel (while discussing our immunology set)
"Pardon me, I am a piece of bread. I do not wish to be going in the direction of other breads." - Tina
"I was! I was definitely commotionating!" - Tina
"It's especially weird to smell like a coconut when it's cold and windy" - Lara
"Dear Mr. Fabrikant,..." - email addressed to me; so that's what happens when you apply to a math department...
"Damn! Not the visible ladder syndrome! I hate that!" - Tina
"I never update program versions. That's why I still use Sticks&Stones v1.0"
- Tina
"I do not approve of hot pink programming." - Tina
< gospel voice > Ahh beliiieve in the healing power of entropy! < /gospel voice > - Tina
"Our headaches are breeding!" - Tina
Tina: "I totally remember how to negate an imperative"
Me: "I'll negate YOUR imperative"
Daniel: "Only if I get to watch"
Tina: "As long as you don't sell the video footage"
"I will try to invert... subvert... 'vert the rules to allow geese" - Tina
"Yes, my brain is on the right hand side of the sink and you press it and it goes squish" - Tina (who else?)
"This soap tastes like burning plus orange" - Tina
Tina: "Where'd you go? I'd be very sad if you went away."
Me: "Tina, what are you looking for?"
Tina: "My Rock!"
"Boltzmann died in 1905 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, who continued his work died in 1933, in a similar manner. Now it's our turn to study statistical mechanics. Those of you who do not have to take this class might think twice about whether or not you want to stay. For those of you who are required to take it, I'll try to inflict as little pain as possible to minimize psychological damage." - my first stat mech lecture... encouraging, ain't it?
"He looks like a color-coordinated mushroom" - Theresa about Daniel
"He may be sort of ... dead-ish" - Daniel
While playing scrabble:
Me: "Err... cay is a word, I think. If I only had an E, I could put down DEcay."
Daniel: "D.K? that's me!"
Me: "Gee, I always wanted to marry decay..."
Me: You're not warm and cuddly! You're an aim window at the moment.
Daniel: Yeah, that's right, I've entered my aim window state
Me: It's kinda like sporulation - except with AIM
"Knowledge of languages other than English (include computer languages): " - field on the USC App. Math application. At least they didn't say to include Klingon
"Bah! Go shove your logic up a tree! Trees like logic, don't they?" - Tina
"Once you get past filling the 3-sigma-u and 1-pi-u orbitals, this doesn't amount to a hill of beans" - the Ch21a prof
Daniel: "Yeah, she hangs out here with her fiance instead of in your room. What a crappy roommate!"
Benji: "Actually she hangs out with my book"
Me: "Oh baby... quantum."
Me: "Ugh, this book is useless to me."
Daniel: "Ooh, Benji's book is spurned!"
Tina: "So long as it's not spermed, we're ok."
"I'd so go for a Numb3rs Crane Scholarship. I could fold an awful lot of origami if they paid me per crane." - Jamie
Me: What's pan-spermia? Is that when the sperm goes everywhere?
Tina: It's sperm colonizing other planets - ish.
Meghan: It's if you're not careful you get sperm all over your pants.
"Yes, I combust small things in my mouth on a regular basis." - Tina
"This thing smells like a mountain climbed in it and died!" - Tina [in reference to field clothes]
Me: In dyslexic Russia, mountain climbs *you*.
"God trades knowledge for sweat." - van Helmont
"Fine! Drag me [to glee club] next term!" - Tina [hah, now I have a written record and she can't pretend she never said it]
Tina [in reply]: That won't mean anything! You know all those quotes are perfidious creations.
"This may constitute the first time that a globular protein structure has been correctly predicted from its amino acid sequence (depending on what one means by 'correct', 'predict', and 'first')" - Steitz (1990) Q. Rev. Biophys. 23:205-280 [this so totally embodies the current state of computational biophysics...]
"While I really think that mind control rays are necessary to stop the males from having sex with everything up to and including cape buffalo, I really don't think the ancient Zulus used those." - Tina
Daniel: I'm confused. Let us kiss with tongue!... [directed at yours truly]
Tina: The traditional male response.
"For the sake of peace and sanity and my continuing drive to become a saint, please don't give Tina candy!" - Robin
"Ok, we're married. There's certain activities we engage in. You can stop snickering now" - Robin
"Yeah, crater lake!" - Joe
"I don't have the fucking bird flu!" - Robin
Joe: That's a great idea - we should make couches out of Chinese people!
Tina: Soylent couches are made of people!
"I'm not good at the whole sexual depravity thing..." - Tina
"I need to go finger the flying spaghetti monster!" - Tina
"Then of course, anyone who points out the fact that the great and glorious leader is a moron, they would be immediately dragged off by the flying demonic creatures and beaten into submission with wiffle bats." - Rebecca
"The Handbook of Mathematical Functions... is an ieal desert-island book for shipwrecked quantum chemists" - Molecular Quantum Mechanics, Atkins & Friedman; the new Ch21 book is just so full of useful advice.
"We're playing strip-Tina's game of fun!" - Tina
"If I give the world my sperm, it will become smarter" - Benji
Tina: He's remembering being tetrahedral
Me: Yeah, he's recalling the good old days when all his orbitals were in the right place.
Daniel: That was one crazy night!
"Dude. I'm gonna shift your paradigm right out of your larnyx" - Tina to Daniel [yes, I meant larnyx]
"Tina is the awesome as far as going goes. Speaking of which, I gotta go potty right now." - Tina
"Nothing! We're not violating anything. This is totally Platonic" - Tina and Lena in chorus
"Can I mate myself?" - Benji
"All these Christians wanted to be like Jesus. So do they take up carpentry? Nooo... They take up celibacy!" - Tina, i the midst of a profoun discussion on why Judaism is awesome.
"Chocolate lingerie - melts in your mouth, not on your body" - Tina
Tina: Penguin cows are avidly apolitical.
Joe: Not when they're communist penguin cows!
More Joe: It's because of the communist penguin cows that the western states are all deformed!
Joe: Yes, we're gnna have hot and heavy quantum.
Tina: It'll be kinda uncertain, you know...
"You can do all sorts of things once you find your inner Llama!" - Tina