Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why, so is mankind.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the butt.
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.