By
-Daniel-
©
All things happen for a reason, although at the time, we may not understand why
and indeed we may cry and curse the wretchedness of our circumstance...
…such have been the events of this week for me.
For the second time I have faced death, looked it in the eye and said it will not be so.
Tuesday evening was another horrendous night of unendurable pain for my wife.
I gave her regular intervals of pain medication and spent the night praying and asking for God's healing.
The next morning, she told me she was going to vomit, so I sat her up on the bed and helped her.
The minute she was though, her left arm started shaking and she said she could not control her body.
Her arm extended in an unnatural position and her entire body shook violently...
…she had a seizure while in my arms. Her eyes rolled back into her head and her breathing
became extremely labored. I was already dialing 911 and screaming her name with no response...
her eyes developed a fixed stare and suddenly I felt so all alone. I know that this seizure only lasted 45
to 60 seconds but it was an eternity to me. The paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and she again started
to become coherent. They rushed her to the local hospital, where our daughter works as a Physical Therapist.
As they were in route, I rushed to finishing dressing and I found myself, not asking
for God's help, but demanding it and I mean that with tears steaming down my face,
I was yelling at the top of my lungs,
"YOU WILL HELP HER AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW!"
It is a wonder that the neighbors didn't hear, but our Father-God did hear.
I guess that sometimes you just can't politely ask...you need to demand that your immediate needs be
met. The attending ER doctor had already been in contact with the head neurologist (one of the best in the area)
planning out their testing...MRI, brain mapping, etc. looking to verify what we had all thought...vasculitis of the
brain…but the ER doctor decided to run another separate test...a spinal tap. That ER doctor saved her life.
Vasulitis of the brain would be treated with massive dosages of steroids (1000 mg instead of the 20 mg she
was taking for RA) but the spinal tap revealed the true source of her seizure and pain.
She had contracted cryptococcus (fungal) meningitis. This is an infection of the spinal fluid that
surrounds the brain in a sack and if left untreated the infection is always fatal and steroids would
have brought death that much sooner. She will be in the hospital for at least two weeks undergoing an
aggressive treatment of amphotericn B to fight the infection and it will take another three months of anti-fungal
medication to completely kill the infection. During that time, there can be no auto-immune suppressing drugs given
for her RA condition. The doctors, and there are about 6 to 10 of them, all personally know and work with our daughter,
so needless to say my beloved is being treated with the most loving of medical care, involving a lot of hugs and teary eyes.
When I asked the doctor leading the treatment what could have caused this to happen, I received the shock of my life.
She said this fungus is everywhere, but people with good immune systems don't need to worry. She said the fungus is
common around birds...my heart sank as we have a cockatoo and a jenday conure. I am now having to do the heartbreaking
work of finding another home for our two birds...it is easy to know the right thing to do, it is a bit more difficult
to implement what both of us know needs to be done as a multitude of emotions come into play. My wife loves the birds
as much as I do and that is why I must have them gone before she comes home. I will bear the burden of emotion to
spare her from seeing them leave...
It is hard but it could have been so much worse...
What if I wouldn't have been there for her that morning?
What if she hadn't had the seizure that triggered all the neurological testing?
What if she would have been seen by another doctor who didn't want to bother doing a spinal tap himself?
What if our daughter didn't work with these good people?
My dearest friends...What if all things didn't happen for a reason?
I thank God that all things DO happen for a reason, even if we are blind and cannot see why...
May 12, 2006
The last couple of weeks have been stressful...we had to go back to the hospital ER when her blood pressure
dropped to 69/60 and her heart rate climbed to 161 beats per minute. We spent five hours there before her
vital signs came back into a normal range. She was severely dehydrated and her weight had dropped 20 pounds,
down to 94 pounds. She has finally stopped taking the anti-fungal medication and we have seen some very slight
improvement since then. She has gained 1 pound this week, which was a milestone for her. She could have been
very depressed over her progress, as she needs help with everything that we take for granted; but she is trying
to remain positive. It is very difficult for me to see her struggle so hard and to know just how frail she really is.
I have been trying to balance work with my need to care for her. My sister-in-law has helped me to take care of her
ever since she has come home from the hospital and that has taken much of the worry and burden off of me while I am at work.
Our daughter also helps us on a daily basis, but I know that she is also depressed over her mother's condition.
I must admit that sometimes my tears are uncontrollable, as I am the only one who truly knows just how close we
came to losing her on several occasions. No one else truly knows the depths of my pain and quiet despair.
It has been a hellish five months and we have a long ways to go yet before she can be truly independent again.
She is beginning to eat a bit better and I am hoping that she will gain her strength back at a quicker pace now.
I will be glad when this is all behind us...a distant memory that will allow me the time to put into words the
lessons that this terrible experience has engrained upon my soul... Faith, Compassion, Love and Patience are no longer
just lofty words to aspire to...
I have lived these words and I am forever changed.
May 23, 2006
My wife was admitted back into the hospital tonight. She is extremely anemic and weak.
She is running chronic fevers again and her liver function tests are all elevated.
She had 4 MRI tests done on Monday and today. We don't have the results of these tests back yet and
tonight the doctor ran another extensive blood panel. Tomorrow, they will give her 3 units of blood to
help counter-act the anemia. Her condition is stable, but the doctors don't know what is wrong with her.
I am having trouble finding an earlier flight home from Dallas and I want to talk to our daughter before
committing to any changes in my current flight plans. I am having trouble focusing on anything right now...
I am just numb from all of the stress and I feel absolutely helpless while watching her endure such awful pain.
I wouldn't wish what we have gone through and are continuing to endure on anyone...not even someone on death row.
May 24, 2006
After extensive testing, we may have closed in on the cause of her current problem...
maybe it was the real problem all along. The doctors are saying that she not only has RA but also,
quite possibly, Lupus. The reason she is having such chest pain, when taking a deep breath, is
pericardial effusion causing shortness of breath, low blood pressure and rapid heartbeat.
Evidently these are all some of the various symptoms of lupus, along with anemia, fever, weight and hair loss.
This doctor is not entirely sure that she ever had fungal meningitis, as lupus can also cause seizures
and other meningitis-like symptoms. They are going to cautiously but aggressively treat the pericardial
condition with medication before attempting to drain the sack around the heart (only if needed).
They are also going to schedule her for a bone marrow biopsy after her blood levels are correct.
This doctor is testing her for everything from TB to HIV. Blood tests have just about ruled out cancer and
her MRI tests of the brain show further improvement over the last MRI taken while she was in the hospital in March.
June 5, 2006
Following two hospitalizations, totaling forty days, and four visits to the emergency room,
I think we have finally turned the corner. While in the hospital, the doctor gave her 1000 mg
of prednisone for three days along with 50 mg of cytoxan and that broke the fever, eased her chest pain
(which was due to fluid surrounding the heart) increased her nutrition and overall strength.
For the first time in two months, she is dressing herself and walking without a walker.
We have a very long ways to go, as she is merely 91 pounds now and the medications can have some very harsh physical
and emotional side-effects such as hair loss, bone thinning, toxic poisoning, mood swings etc…
but this is the first time in six months that I can actually see a marked improvement in her overall condition.
She will need to take a multitude of various medications daily for the next several months before the doctor
will even think about starting her on a treatment similar to remicade to help suppress the affects of RA and or Lupus.
Aug. 25, 2006
My wife is doing very well now after suffering a three week battle with pneumonia. She is back to driving (limited)
and we are starting some slow paced evening walks. Her overall stamina is still weak and she tires easily,
but she is doing so much better than the first half of this year. She sometimes doesn't have patience with herself
and I need to remind her just how far she has truly come. She was so very ill and it will take close to another year
to recover from this ordeal. Sometimes those who were so ill cannot grasp just how critically ill they really were…
but I know and not a day goes by that I don't think back to the darkness of that hell and thank our Father-God for my
strength of FAITH.
It is that unshakable FAITH in our Father-God that pulled my beloved back from the darkness of death not once,
but three times this year. The doctors did the best they could with the earthly knowledge they had, but in reality
it was the sincerity and the courage of Faith that saved her life. The doctors are now unsure what caused her seizure
and we may never know what truly caused her to become so critically ill…
It really doesn't matter.
Upon the lowest step, whose color was red,
did he kneel in silent prayer,
giving thanks to God for all the blessings
of his life and unto the heavens did he declare...
"Thy will, not mine, be done."
And he saw that the name of the step upon which he
stood was...
SINCERITY
*******
He climbed to the third step, whose color was yellow,
and the world from which he came was no more.
Only the black abyss of nothingness now lay beneath
his feet
and engulfed in the darkness of foreboding did he
speak...
"Wherever I am, God is and all is well."
And he saw that the name of the step upon which he
stood was...
FAITH
*******
He climbed to the fourth step, whose color was green,
and the winds of hell began to howl.
Lightening and thunder tore to shreds the sky and
hailstones
of fire rained down upon his faith,
but he spoke unto the elements of destruction...
"You who are subservient to the will of man be still,
for with Peace and Love shall you obey."
Thus the fury of the elements abated with his command
and he saw that the name of the step upon which he
stood was...
COURAGE
*******
There are many people who profess their Faith, but when the road of Life becomes rocky,
they abandon that Faith, hoping and searching for other means to overcome the pitfalls and traps
placed before them. We must be sincere in our desire before Hope matures into Faith,
but Faith without the courage of conviction, is powerless to abate the fury of the elements.
This entire year has been a very stark test of my sincerity, faith and courage.
The words that I have written have become very real and tangible…I have experienced
the very essence of my writings throughout this entire ordeal.
Indeed, all who prayed for my beloved have witnessed the miracle of their own selfless prayers;
for prayer is our direct link to our Father-God and to each other and it matters not how we pray.
God listens not to our words…He directly responds to our level of Faith; and as our Faith grows,
so does the silent power that we command and so also grows our responsibility unto all others.
This year has been extremely traumatic for me on many fronts, and I was forced to give up things
that I loved for things that I loved far more. I still become melancholy if I allow myself to think
back to the day I had to give our birds away…I wonder and worry about them, but I do not speak of them at home.
Most people will not understand, after all they were just birds, but they weren't just birds to us…
they were our children and they were completely dependent upon us…as we are completely dependent upon our Father-God.
That day broke my heart, but it is a burden that I shall silently bear…
It is a small price to pay, for I will not inflict that pain upon my beloved…
…And we will not look back upon the darkness that was,
but we will greet the sunrise of what shall be...with Faith.
Thank you Father-God, for all the blessings of my life,
even the ones that I would not have chosen for myself.
Agapi
Daniel