NOTIS (Northwestern On-Line Total Integrated System), developed at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois in the 1970s, was an integrated system that spread to many libraries, including the Stanford University Libraries. We used it to manage their online cataloging, acquisition and circulation functions back in the 1990s before moving on to more advanced systems.

     It may still exist and be utilized by other libraries in some form, though hopefully not the one we used, which was somewhat clunky even then. NOTIS was the system we loved to hate, at least until we found other systems to hate. Why? It was prone to freezing or crashing, for one thing, and for another, abounded in opaque shorthand commands that tended to drive users crazy.

     During one extensive period of downtime I amused myself by inventing variations on some of the standard commands (much more versatile than the originals). I later submitted the resulting list to our library newsletter, where the list was run as a humorous feature in three parts. It's funnier to people with some familiarity with the original commands they riffed on, but who is any more in these modern, non-dinosaurian times? Without further ado, here's the resurrected list:

• ABND - Invokes a random ABEND to crash the system. To be used only during periods of extreme frustration, as it stirs up the Systems people like a kid kicking an anthill.
• BABL - Takes you to the Babble screen, on which you can enter scurrilous comments about the system, your job, and your co-workers. Caution: so can they.
• BOBL - Replaces a substandard cataloging record with a comparable pretty, shiny nic-nac.
• BORD - When entered during a tedious search, takes you immediately to a more interesting record.
• BUCK - When entered on pay-day, this command turns on a little light at the desk of the person responsible for distributing your paycheck to remind that person that you want it.
• CFSF - When faced with a particularly vexing problem, this command enables you to see how San Francisco Public Library has resolved it, or how it might have, if it happened to use NOTIS.
• CODL - Bribes the system into doing what you want. The charges are added to your e-mail account.
• DUSC - Dims the screen when it becomes too bright, especially if input at sundown.
• FAN - Cools you off when searching or inputting on a hot day, and freezes you on a cool one.
• GOD - Gives you supreme power and omniscience to enable you to cut through all the NOTIS bullshit and find what you want immediately.
• GROVL - Displays the NOTIS Creed on screen, which, if recited correctly and with proper humility, will put the system in a better frame of mind to listen to your prayers for usable search results.
• LIBL - Replaces an otherwise innocuous NOTIS record with vile slander.
• LUBL - Reminds you what the name of the capital of Slovenia is.
• NEST - Used to search for serial titles that have experienced frequent title changes, this command retrieves the title you searched for, plus all earlier and later variants, and nests them all together like a Russian doll.
• OOPS - Undoes whatever it was you did to elicit that incomprehensible error message you can't figure out how to get rid of. This enables you to commit the same error again.
• PRIV - Takes you to the Privacy screen, which allows you to search NOTIS without permitting you to see the results.
• SANE - When entered in time, this command can save your sanity during a difficult NOTIS session.
• V8 - Takes you to the Vegetable Juice screen, from which you can order tasty, tangy refreshments for delivery to your workstation.
• WINDEX - A short-cut for getting out of NOTIS and into WINDOWS. However, one can not recover the NOTIS session afterwards, as this command wipes it clean.