Disordered Eating: Helping a Friend

It is difficult to watch a friend or loved one struggle with disordered eating. You may want to help, but don’t know how. We can’t force our friends to develop healthier attitudes, but we can offer support. _ People who are struggling with these issues are putting their health in danger,and in extreme cases, their life. It is important to speak about your concerns because you care about them Here are some tips

Step One: Plan an effective approach

  • Decide upon one or two caring individuals who will approach the person you are concerned about. Close, trusted friends or family members are usually best. This individual(s) should be prepared to encourage the person to seek further help with a trained mental health professional (see Resources below).
  • The individual(s) chosen should also convey a sensible attitude concerning weight-related issues and a healthy, realistic approach to eating and exercise.
  • Establish a private, safe environment.
  • Consider rehearsing what will be said
  • Know the differences between facts and myths about weight, nutrition, and exercise. Knowing the facts will help you reason against any inaccurate ideas that your friend may be using as excuses to maintain their disordered eating patterns.


Step Two: During the Conversation

DO’s

  • Start by letting the person know you are reading and learning about eating disorders.
  • Express your concerns in a straightforward, yet caring manner. Share two or three specific examples/times when you felt afraid or uneasy. Use an “I” message format:
    • Example: I noticed you’ve been avoiding meals with us lately. I wonder if we could talk about that?
    • Example: “I feel concerned about the weight you’ve lost this past semester. I was hoping we could talk about this.”
    • Example: I feel concerned because it seems like you’ve been dieting for a long time now. Is it possible for us to discuss this?”
    • Then, give the person time to talk and encourage him/her to verbalize feelings. Continue to engage discussion by asking clarifying questions and accepting responses in a non-judgmental manner.
  • Be prepared for strong feelings/reactions from the person (i.e., denial, anger, confusion).
  • If  appropriate (the person is not experiencing strong reactions) encourage your friend to takea confidential self-assessment at www.stanford.edu/group/nutrition
  • Toward the end of the discussion, provide information and resources for counseling/treatment (see Resources). At this point you might offer to go along and wait while he/she has a first appointment.
  • Close the discussion by letting him/her know you are willing to talk again.
    • Example: “I know you feel things are okay, but that will not change my concerns. So, I will bring this up at another time in the near future. We can talk again then.”

DON’Ts:
Don’t debate concerning food eaten or not eaten, calories consumed, and/or looking for reasons that contributed to the development an eating disorder. Remember—your primary purpose is to be supportive and to encourage the person to seek further help
Other “DON”s”

  • Offer advice or personal opinions.
  • Engage in lengthy discussions that often end up in power struggles.
  • Offer simplistic solutions (i.e., “why don’t you just eat?).
  • Make “you” statements (i.e., “you have to eat something.”).
  • Say things like “you’re getting too skinny.” Instead, put it in health terms, i.e., “I am worried because you seem preoccupied and don’t have much energy lately.”

Step Three:  Following up

DO’s

  • If the person declines your request to seek further help, remind yourself you have done all it is reasonable for you to do. Realize you will have made important progress in honestly sharing your concerns, providing support, and offering available information and resources.
  • Eating disorders are usually not emergency situations. However, if the person is in acute medical danger and/or at risk for suicide, contact help immediately.

DON”Ts

  • Take it personally if your friend seems uncomfortable around you.  She or he is in the beginning stages of healing, and might feel exposed.  Continue to be supportive.

If you’d like to discuss your concerns further, and are a student at UWEC, please consider making an appointment with a MIRROR student volunteer, your residence staff, or Wellness and Health Promotion Services (HPS).  We’d be happy to help!

back to top