Helping Someone in an Abusive Relationship
Recognizing that someone you know may be in an abusive relationship should not be ignored, even if the person does not confirm your initial concerns. Signs can be difficult to recognize, especially from within an unhealthy relationship. Friends, family members, and colleagues are often the first to clearly notice signs of someone being in a controlling and abusive relationship, so it is important to follow up on any concerns you might have.
Abuse in a relationship is a pattern of coercive control that one person uses to gain or maintain power and control over a partner, whether married, living together, dating, or previously dating. It can take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness website has several resources devoted to:
These resources include topics such as:
- Suggestive signs of an abusive relationship
- How to approach a friend or co-worker
- How to be supportive
- How to respond - How you respond can be very important for her/his future ability to trust others and move on with her/his life.
Some other helpful tips include:
- Know the facts about relationship abuse.
- Assure the person that you believe their story.
- Listen and let the person talk about his/her feelings.
- Do not judge or give advice. Talk to him/her about her options.
- Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe the person is in danger, tell them.
- Respect the person's right to confidentiality.
- Let the person know you care and want to help.
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Responding to Survivors of Sexual Assault
Survivors of sexual assault are increasingly willing to tell someone about their experience. When they do, it is often their first step toward recovery and the beginning of their healing process. Their initial contact with you is therefore very important. The initial care and support they receive can help ease the trauma of the assault. For this reason you need to be understanding and sensitive.
Validate and empower the survivor. Inform him or her of options and resources. Respect the survivor's privacy. Listen well. Seek appropriate guidance and know the resources.
The following information is offered to help you respond effectively.
How to Help
Here's how to help a survivor of sexual assault:
- Validation: Accept what you hear. Many survivors
fear they will not be believed. They're afraid that their
experience will be minimalized as "not important,"
or made into a catastrophe and they'll be pitied. Indicate
that you hear them and care about their feelings. Let the
survivor state her or his views, feelings, beliefs and opinions.
Do not be judgmental. This is especially important because many victims of sexual assault blame themselves for what happened. You must always assure them that no matter the circumstances, the incident was not their fault.
- Empowerment: Allow survivors to direct their own
course of action, empowering them to regain a sense of control
over their lives. Allow them to make their own decisions
about how to proceed. Do not pressure them into agreeing
with your choices and goals for them no matter how much
you think this would be helpful. An assault takes away the victim's power and control over their self and their situation, so regaining that sense of power and control over their own life helps the survivor in their recovery process.
- Information: Present survivors with resources and available options.
The following section entitled Resources details
the services available for Stanford students. Initially,
the victim may be so distraught and overloaded that it's impossible
for them to hear everything. Be patient and willing to repeat
yourself. Respect the person's decision as to what to do.
- Privacy: Assure survivors that you will keep the matter private. If it becomes public the survivor will feel re-victimized. But explain that you may need to consult with senior residence staff (e.g. RFs and RDs), and the YWCA Sexual Assault Center at Stanford about how best to meet the survivor's needs. Consultations with the YWCA Sexual Assault Center at Stanford are strictly confidential within the limitations of the law. If total anonymity is necessary, you and/or the survivor may get information and support without revealing your names.
For survivors who are under 18 years of age, reporting requirements are more complex. You and/or the survivor can anonymously consult the YWCA Sexual Assault Center at Stanford for advice on how best to proceed.
- Listen: Let survivors disclose as much about the assault as they are comfortable with. Do not press for details, as this can feel intrusive and controlling.
In responding to the survivor use the same words she or he does in describing the event. If the survivor uses the word "rape," then use it in reflective listening. If the survivor uses the expression "something bad happened," stay with that. Be empathetic, non-judgmental, and help the survivor feel safe. Avoid labeling the experience for them. Remember, survivors may feel guilty and responsible. You can reassure them that no one deserves to be assaulted.
Be particularly sensitive if a survivor has special needs based on ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and/or disability.
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Understanding the Recovery Process
Sexual assault is an emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual trauma. Initially, survivors may feel dazed and numb. Slowly, they may experience grief, sadness and anger. Often their feelings can emerge physically (e.g., loss of appetite or overeating; anxiety and panic, insomnia, exhaustion or fatigue, or chronic illness).
Their concentration may be impaired and their academic performance may drop. They may become socially isolated and withdrawn. Survivors of sexual assault may be easily startled, have flashbacks or nightmares, and they may become constantly fearful for their safety. They become unable to trust.
Be aware that many survivors do not immediately identify their experience as rape. Others may wrongfully believe that they are to blame for the assault, and feel guilty and ashamed. Difficulty dealing with the the assault may lead to self-destructive or risky behavior. In extreme cases, feelings of shame or guilt stemming from the experience may also lead the person to try to physically hurt or kill themselves. In such cases, everything must be done to keep that person safe and get them professional help immediately. Also be aware there is no "correct" response to assault or length of time between the assault and disclosure of the experience. The healing process itself can take an indeterminate amount of time and there is no standard time frame as to when a person should be "healed."
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Medical & Public Safety Emergencies
Survivors of sexual assault or domestic violence who are seriously injured, bleeding excessively, or unconscious need emergency medical attention and should be immediaely transported by ambulance to the Stanford Medical Center Emergency Room.
Do not physically intervene if an on-going violent or abusive situation is underway. Keep yourself and others safe and call campus police.
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Caring for Yourself
Recognize your own limitations in dealing with the situation. If the survivor is close to you, you may have strong feelings, like pain, outrage, disgust, helplessness, denial, or even doubt towards the survivor. Consider seeking help and support for yourself. Your feelings matter too, and you will be more helpful to the survivor over time if you have the support you need.
Call the YWCA Center at (650)725-9955 and set up a free appointment to meet with a professional counselor so you can receive guidance on how to continue to be of help for yourself and for others.
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Additional Resources
For additional information and resources, including counseling, for yourself or the survivor, please visit: Please Note: In addition to the resources listed on this page, the information and resources listed throughout this website, including counseling, are available to friends and victims of sexual violence and other similar abusive situations.- TOP -
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