On December 10, 2004, three elite players from the illustrious Stanford Squash program traveled by station wagon to Santa Barbara to play in a three-man tournament with a $500 cash prize. Dubbed "The Stanford Superstars" by the Club's receptionist after their vigorous performances, the squash consisted of junior Jon Levine, sophomore David Herbert and freshman Andrew Burmon. The group was also accompanied by resident ladies man Jonathon Dunlap, a freshman from the area who exchanged two nights' room and board for a free trip home.

The trip began with a hiccup, as the group left campus two hours late after having to convince Dunlap that the car could not fit two duffel bags full of prophylactics. The tiny station wagon, filled to the brim with dirty laundry and dirtier minds, finally left campus around 2 p.m., just four hours before the first match at 6 p.m. some hundreds of miles away. Luckily for the Superstars, Herbert - often compared to a young Mark Talbott - was at the wheel, the rambunctious crew sped its way to Southern California.

The Superstars arrived at the Club with just minutes to spare before their first match. To their surprise and initial excitement, both Herbert and Burmon were slated to play women. Now, the Superstars are known for their gentlemanly conduct and utmost respect for women, but the brash youngsters from The Farm couldn't help but enter the match with slightly more confidence than usual. Unfortunately for the squad, which was counting on the $500 cash prize to defer the trip's expense, Herbert and Burmon had left their games back at Stanford, and they dropped 3-0, 3-1 decisions, respectively. Fast courts, fatigue and a lack of seriousness entering the match helped sink #2 Burmon and #3 Herbert. #1 Levine later lost to a strong male player in just under 10-minutes, which prompted some of ladies in the gallery to giggle about B-Game's quick showing. However, the most memorable aspect of the evening, and perhaps the entire trip, was Burmon's match. His opponent, who some might aptly label an "old pro," played down and dirty, pushing, shoving and shouting her way through each game. At one juncture, she became so angry with Burmon that she called him "Sport" unknowingly giving him his new Stanford Squash nickname. Needless to say, the night's loss left the Superstars embarrassed and emotionally spent, and the squad shamefully slipped from the Club and sped off in the wagon.

Dejected, the team headed to Blockbuster and then to a pizza parlor with Dunlap, who had spent the evening at his country club taking handsome lessons. The gang then returned to the fort to eat and watch a movie. The Superstars' collective ego would take another blow when Dunlap would borrow the station wagon to call upon his ex-girlfriend, less than 24 hours after his hook-up with a gorgeous freshman co-ed. With Dunlap gone and their confidence at an all-time low, Herbert and Burmon climbed into bed for a good spoon, while Levine retreated to another bedroom for his ugly sleep.

With the $500 prize out of reach, the Superstars still had their pride on the line, and the squad went out Saturday with a vengeance. In the first matches of the day, Herbert and Burmon cleaned up, winning handily. It also became clear that Burmon had made an indelible impression on his opponent from the night before, who would attend each of his three matches that weekend to root against him. Levine, however, was paired with former Princeton #1 Jason Jewell, and fell valiantly. After their 2-1 victory, the Superstars headed to the beach with Dunlap to toss around a football. The sunny, wind-swept beach and salty air almost made the Superstars forget that they had been beaten by two women the night before. On the way back to the Club, the convoy of Herbert's wagon and Dunlap's Acura made a detour through a park. His window down, Dunlap heard a Mexican gentleman remark "I hate that car" in reference to the Pimpmobile. Like a true pimp, Dunlap took great exception, and hurled a variety of insults at the portly passerby before flipping him the bird and speeding off. The incident was forgotten, until minutes later when Dunlap pulled over to the curb to wait for Herbert. As the wagon turned the corner, Herbert and Burmon saw the same Mexican gentleman emerging from a large, black Suburban and running towards the Pimpmobile. Using quick thinking and a rearview mirror, Dunlap tore off, making an illegal left turn to avoid his assailant. The team would later realize that if Dunlap had not stopped there, but had continued on and parked at the Club as planned, some major shit could have gone down.

Still shaken from the close encounter, the Superstars continued on to the Club for their afternoon matches. Both Burmon and Herbert again triumphed quickly, and Levine again fell, this time is a very close match. The Superstars also enjoyed their first glimpse of Dunlap's ex-girlfriend, who arrived to cheer the squad on, but ended up distracting B-Game with her good looks and ample, uh, wit. The Superstars' strong Saturday showing put them in the second flight for Sunday's finals, meaning they could capture third place in the tournament. Several Superstars argued for forfeiting the match taking a trip to Disney Land instead, but self-appointed team captain Herbert refused to skip town without winning some sort of prize, and so the squad returned to Dunlap's for dinner. The lovely home-cooked meal prepared by Jonathon's parents livened the team's spirits, and, after some much-needed showers, the Superstars hit the town, going to see Ocean's 12. In one classic moment, Herbert, Levine and Dunlap entered the packed theater to find three seats together. Levine insisted that the gang sit on the floor, lest they exclude "Sport," who was powdering his nose. When all four grabbed a spot on the hard floor, Levine spotted two seats in the front of the theater and nudged Herbert, the two scampering off before the freshmen could say "oh-eight!"

After the film, the Superstars headed to In-n-Out for some chow. Herbert, afflicted with a terrible cold sore, forced his mouth open again and again while eating his three hamburgers, causing intense bleeding but ultimately a quality dining experience.

In the morning, the worn-out but upbeat Superstars returned to the Club for their final match. Herbert went up 2-0 against an elderly chap of unknown European origins before dropping two straight. Herbert would eventually close out the match in a disgraceful five games, but not before he would be forced to the floor twice to avoid shots hit by his opponent while turning off the back wall. "Sport" twice called attention to the new automatic let rule, but the European purist would have nothing of it, grazing Herbert's head the second time with a rocket of a shot.

Hampered by an ankle injury picked up during a late-night game of footsie with Herbert, Burmon dropped his match, leaving the Superstars staring at a 1-1 tie and their hopes resting on the shoulders of their winless #1. Fortune smiled on the squad for the first time that weekend when Levine's opponent was a no-show, giving the Superstars a 2-1 win and three surplus XL t-shirts as prizes, spoils they were sure to flaunt as they passed the comely Club receptionist on their way out.

The Superstars then drove down a scenic stretch of Highway 101 on their way to Long Beach Airport, where they would catch JetBlue flights back to the East Coast for a well-earned winter break. And while the team did not come away with the $500 prize, they did leave Southern California with stories - and, in one case, burning pains during urination - to last a lifetime.