Here’s the best I could come up with. As you’ll see, I didn’t really answer her original question, because

I couldn’t think of any rhetorically effective bumper stickers, so I had to improvise, using one of the few bumper stickers I’ve seen recently that I could actually remember. If, in the unlikely event you actually use this exercise in class, let me know how it goes.

So the bumper sticker I picked appears above. I found it hilarious when I saw it, but I’m assuming that only guitarists (perhaps other musicians) would find it so. It’s not really one of those overtly rhetorical kinds of bumper stickers, but it could raise some interesting questions about doubt, consumerism, and the ordinary comfort of things.

Here are a few exercises you could do with your students, starting with the bumper sticker in question:

1) Substitution Exercise:
When in doubt, buy _________ (Have students fill in the blank)

What do your students put in the blank and why? Does it seem very personal? Do any of your students mention the same thing? Is there some particular object or possession that your students collectively find satisfying? What is it and why would they buy it? Write a list of all the response you get on the board. Are there any larger social or cultural observations you could make about them?

2) Discuss the rhetoric of consumerism:
Is a bumper sticker (or other forms of mindless advertising) all it takes to buy product X? How does buying a specific product (or consumerism in general) assuage doubt? Does amassing things/objects/toys actually make us happier? Discuss the kinds of trinkets, tchachkies, doodads, and other ephemera people buy on impulse. What’s with all the crap you brought back from vacation in Paris? Do you really need that miniature Eiffel Tower with a pencil sharpen in the base? That Mardi Gras mask (made in China) you bought in New Orleans? The tin of candied baked beans from Boston? Why do we collect this stuff anyway? Have students recount stories about the most ridiculous thing they’ve bought on impulse. Any obvious patterns arise? Why did they buy them?

3) Connect bumper sticker to class theme:
In my class, we’re using Multiple Intelligence Theory as a theme. Seeing how the original object in question is a musical instrument, one possible connection would be with Musical Intelligence. Is there any connection between music and consumerist behavior? In what other ways do we consume music? Does consuming abstract things, like music or images, fulfill a similar need for stuff that tangible objects fulfill?

4) Connect bumper sticker to a class reading:
In our text, Scientific American Mind, there is an article called “The Tyranny of Choice” which discusses the psychological costs and dilemmas that many consumers face, especially in America, when confronted with too many options. It suggests that when presented with too many options, there is rarely a happily ever after choice. Instead, consumers get depressed because they tend to focus on the advantages/benefits the are passing up in option A, B, and C by choosing option X. How might the mixed blessing of having strong buying power combined with too many options of things to buy affect both individuals and the society as a whole?

5) Connect bumper sticker to personal experience:

I’ve bought a few guitars over the years, and there were many more that I could have purchased. In fact, buying guitars, for guitarists, is both comforting and problematic. There is even a condition, called GAS (guitar acquisition syndrome) that many guitarists suffer from. (I just got back from Gryphon Guitars and boy do I have GAS.) The symptoms are numerous, characterized by asking questions such as: Which guitar do I get? New or used? Which store? Perhaps I should buy it online? Maybe one will show up on ebay? They’ve got one down at the local mom and pop shop, but their prices are higher, and then there’s all the extra tax, but they’re nice folks and they treat me well—should I buy it there? Do I know anyone who has this model guitar? I’d better do some research online, check reviews at HarmonyCentral.com, and I’ll ask the guys (and it’s almost entirely guys) at the news group rec.music.makers.guitar.jazz. Ah, but whose opinion do I trust? I’ve never met these guys anyway—what do they know about guitars? Do I know any famous people who play that model guitar? Do I like their sound? Do I play their kind of music? Do I like their hairstyle? Do they even have any hair left? Can I afford it? (well no, but if I only cut back on eating out, going to movies, buying those snacks at 4:00 every afternoon from the vending machine… ) And, most importantly, is buying another guitar worth the grief my wife is going to give me? How do I sneak it into the house without her noticing it? Ah, I’ll take out an empty case and bring back a full one. Or maybe I’ll just say “Oh that thing? I’ve had that for ages.” Maybe I should get her involved, take her to the store, not just once, but four or five times, ask her opinion, and keep harping on it until she’ll finally gives in and says “Just buy the damn thing!” so I’ll quit with the kvetching. It will be thrilling. I’ll get it home, it’ll sound different than at the store, not exactly what I was hoping for, but it’s still nice, oh but here’s a tiny blemish on the headstock—wish I noticed that in the shop, and the sound on the B string is not quite a full as the other strings, and this knob here kind of gets in the way when I’m banging out Kumbayaa at full volume, yeah, but it sure looks pretty, but I wish they had the three tone sunburst instead of the plain red, and the spacing on the neck feels a little too narrow, but maybe I’ll get used to it, and now that I’m playing it standing up, there’s this weird hump that catches me in the ribs, not sure if I could play this for a couple hours straight, ah, but the sound is worth it, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Isn’t it? What was that damn bumper sticker I saw the other day?