If you're the type who bites your tongue when you have a question in class, or if you sometimes don't say all the things you want to, then this is the article for you. "Assertiveness" is based on the premise that each and every human being is entitled to dignity, respect, and courtesy. An assertive person insists on being recognized, defends his or her rights, and has a combination of confidence and persistence. In other words, assertiveness is the part of your personality (yes, yours) that prevents you from getting stepped on. Unfortunately, the line between assertive and aggressive behavior seems blurry. However, if you ever worry about crossing it by "coming on too strong," you probably need to be more assertive. If you don't express yourself, you may allow things to build up inside. It is unavoidable and impractical to live your life without offending someone. Besides, there is nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel.

How to be Assertive:

Looking assertive includes that certain confident posture, bright smile, and firm handshake, but the essential ingredient is to look people in the eye. There is no need to avoid the gaze of others. Once you get into the habit of it, it won't be easy to forget. `Nuf said?

The other element is speaking assertively. An assertive phrase is any phrase that assures that you will be treated with fairness and justice. It can be as basic as, "I'd like more coffee, please," or "I was here first." Greeting people assertively is as simple as opening up a conversation with questions like, "How are your classes this quarter?" or, better yet, "What were you up to this weekend?" Speaking assertively also involves expressing your feelings openly and honestly, from "I'm tired as hell ," to "Since you ask, you looked better in what you were wearing before." It's also valuable to remember that talking about yourself does not mean you are monopolizing the conversation. Not letting others know how you feel and what you think may be seen as a form of selfishness, so share your experiences.

Assertive talk also means assertive disagreement. When you disagree with someone, do not feign agreement for the sake of "keeping peace". When someone goes out of her/his way to dominate a discussion by being close-minded and disregarding your views, speak up. It's perfectly OK to say something like, "I have listened to you, so now I would appreciate it if you had the courtesy to listen to me." On the other hand, if you want to avoid a confrontation, you can change the topic or look away.

If you are in a situation when you feel like your rights are being infringed upon, say "No" and persist in your no. Offer an explanation if you want, but don't explain to the point of defensiveness. After some practice, saying no becomes easy, and even fun: "No I don't want to switch to MCI, and no I don't want to go out with you. No, no, no." (I guess that "Just Say No" campaign wasn't so lame after all.)

When a request seems unreasonable, consider asking why you should do it. Now that we are all adults, or at least most of us are, we do not have to accept authority blindly. It's okay to request explanations from professors and other authority figures--maybe even from the cop that pulls you over. Maybe.

One final assertive characteristic that is often overlooked is accepting compliments. When I give you a sincere compliment and you disagree with me, or attempt to "deflect" it onto someone else, it irks me. Pretty soon I'll stop giving you compliments. A response like that only conditions me not to compliment you in the future. At the very least, offer an equally sincere "Thank you." Or, reward me by saying, "That's a nice thing to say; I appreciate it."

Achieving assertive behavior takes close evaluation of your social skills. Many old habits take a conscious effort to overcome. Somewhere between The Doormat and The Tyrant lies the Assertive Person. Or, for all you Melrose fans, somewhere between Billy and Amanda lies Allison. The key is to achieve a balance.

The Balance Beam is co-sponsored by The Bridge 24-Hour Peer Counseling and Information and Referral Center (3-3392), Cowell Student Health Center, and the Publications Board.